To say the least we are going to have a third world type of Christmas around here this year.  It’s hard to imagine I know when Daddy has given up a $480.00 per month habit ( don’t even ask).  My kids, although we send them to a Christian school (honey, what the hell are they teaching these kids? I thought we could forget about Santa Claus?) we have recently received a few lists of Christmas wishes.  I was pouring through each list, obviously scratching out items like whirled peas and such when I ran across an item on my daughter’s list.

3.  Chalk Lit Lamp

I stood there for a few moments, okay, it may have been 27 minutes but who is counting?  I was using all of my brain power and ability to decipher vanity plates to figure out what the heck she was talking about.  Was I missing some kind of new kid meal toy or something they have been brainwashed on the Catoon Network with, or am I just brain dead?  Before you all shout out the answer, it was finally clear to me.

She was asking me for one of these!

Photo taken via Kate Connick

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Yes, I think I have that many blogging tips somewhere around here.

If you really wanted to know how goofy my mind is these days, let me give you a working example.  I have so many RSS feeds I read, I can’t begin to get through all of them even if I were to be a speed reader or steroids.  I have to be honest, I have no idea what that list of blogs over there on the right is anymore, and if your blog is on there and you have moved or changed blogs or have died, please let me know and I might get around to changing the address, but rest assured all of those in that column over there are in a feed reader, and get glanced at unless you flash your boobs or something then I stop and smell the roses if you know what I mean.

As I began the morning reading at 7:00 a.m. I kept clicking on links in my feed reader only to realize that the clicking I was doing was not actually taking me to another link within the blogosphere.  I was not being taken to a blog with cool pictures or great stories or….okay Ben’s site showed me pictures of Britney’s nether regions but alas she did not actually flash her boobs.

Once I finally realized that I was not actually going from one browser window to the other and once I began to realize I was reading things faster than is my norm, I was given the light bulb moment only usually contained within blonde jokes.  My screen had some gunk on it.  Yes and it was that kind of gunk that I couldn’t possibly figure out unless I had a crack team from CSI here to tell me the contents.  Some was blue some was green and I’m not sure but some seamed clear without color.  My point is that I seemed to be clicking on those blue links that you see as we are trained to click on, but without the desired result.  A quick job of Windex, and I seem to be back to normal reading now.  If anyone would actually like the science project I just threw in the trash I would be happy to send it but my liability ends there.

Tags: Britney Spears, RSS, CSI, Windex, boobs

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It now takes me about twice the amount of time to post on a blog than it used to, and with about 16 blogs in my stable, it can be a daunting task everyday.  Not that I post to each of these everyday, but I at least try to click on their link now and then, if I can remember the name of them. 

I am trying to figure out this brain injury thing, I have an upcoming MRI and EEG to see if my squash is actually working and whether the mush contained therein is actually more than the guts of a gourd.  An exercise I try to follow, is that I am writing most everything down that I need to remember or things that might be of use to me later that I need to recall.  One of the things that has helped actually is this blog.  I now know that I was in Texas over the Holiday weekend.  Okay, I can actually recall being in Texas, but don’t ask me what I had for dinner.  I keep coming back to that Texas Beef* thing. (Disclosure:  The Texas Beef Council has not paid for this endorsement, although I am open to suggestions).

I am actually using my computer a little to help me learn other things that may be useful.  Talking and communicating with my readers via email and other arenas like IM and even phone calls have also been enlightening.  Today, I was given a gift from a visitor here to make me a little more intelligent.  My IQ has seen a small dip and I could use a boost.  In this instance, I think only you mommy bloggers can assist me in being at an optimal level of operation as a thinking human being.  Can anyone lend a hand and provide me with some of this "Smart Juice"?

Tags: Blogging, Brain Injury, Texas Beef, Mommy Bloggers, Breast Feeding, Search Engines

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At 2:38 a.m. I decided to turn off the desk lamp and head up for was going to be a short three hour nap, which then turned into a short nose blowing session. On my way to the bedroom, as always, I go into each child’s room and check on them to make sure all’s well. I was ready to ring the bell and shout “3 o’clock and all’s well” like Nutsy (if I have to explain that one, you’re not a movie fan) when I realized all was not well. I was missing one child.

The oldest was in her bed and buried deep within her comforter as always. The youngest was in that familiar fetal position up on his knees, feet crossed and looking like he was sleeping in the womb, and the oldest boy was sprawled out in the hallway under a quilt. Yes, this is normal. The only problem? I was one child short. Visions of having to call the Amber Alert and the horror we know as the Jonbenet Ramsey case flashed through my mind, and then I could make out a faint snore. I followed the buzzing sound until I reached the linen closet. Sure enough the toddler was asleep on the lowest shelf of the linen closet and all of the towels and were being used as covers and the blankets normally neatly folded in that section now occupied by a child was shoved in the opposite side of the closet.

“3 o’clock and all’s well!!!”

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Driving somewhere in North Texas, it may have actually been near the place where they sell that half of a cow you have to eat in an hour, ( I never actually stopped to try my luck) we passed on the downwind side of a very large feedlot where cattle reside before they become that Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

Anyone that has had the opportunity to experience this smell knows exactly what I am describing.  I asked my wife to make a note of this conversation because it nearly caused our Honda minivan to leave the highway because of my inability to drive and laugh at the same time.

Mrs. G:  Genuine Girl did you fart?

Genuine:  [physically gagging] Someone did.

GG:  It wasn’t me it must have been Genuine Boy!!  GB did you just fart?

GB:  No way!!! It wasn’t me it was Genuine Toddler.  GT did you fart?

GT:  Yes.

I’m positive he had no way of knowing what we were talking about, but he is his brother’s "Yes" man.

Tags: North Texas, Feedlots, Beef, McDonald’s, Honda, humor, ilovesteaks.com

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First Person:  Did you hear?  Genuine is an alcoholic and he is in rehab! 

Second Person:  I don’t believe it, he is an alcoholic?  How can he be a blogger, a dad and an alcoholic all at once?  Surely, you are mistaken about that.

Yes, this is an actual conversation that was sent to me via email from some friends that were concerned for my well being.  The answer of course is:

Yes, Genuine is an alcoholic, but he was only medicating. No this is not denial.  Granny taught me long ago that I was taking my rheumatizz medicine.  Boy was I inflicted with Rheumatizz!

I have been going to regular informational meetings on Thursday nights to learn about addiction and how to handle it and work through my disease. I hate saying that I have a disease, it makes me feel so broken.  Our leader of the group is actually very nice but takes a hard stance on alcoholism and the use of alcohol.  This rehab thing is costing far more than going to the liquor store twice a week!

"Anyone that drinks alcohol does it for the sole purpose of getting drunk."

I had to sit and think about this for a while.  This led me to the conclusion that everyone is an alcoholic, there are merely different stages of the disease.  Is this true?  Part of the group session brought us all together to learn our definition of an alcoholic or a drunk.  There were some interesting definitions and may of them had a completely different perspective and picture.  One indicated that an alcoholic is a mother at home sneaking vodka all day to cope, another was a homeless man with nothing in life to live for (actually the homeless represent lest than 1% of the total number of alcoholics), and mine was a closer image of Otis on Andy Griffith.  Hey, what would you expect from me, I always live through they eyes of television or movies.

The purpose of the exercise was to show that all of us have a different picture in our minds of what we consider and alcoholic.  Then we are allowed to continue with drinking because our picture does not match the picture in our minds.  I couldn’t be an alcoholic because I didn’t look like Otis.  Okay, maybe that is debatable (freaky foreshadowing on my part).

I promise not to bring everyone down and talk about Genuine rehab, but I was curious to see how all of you picture an alcoholic, and want to ask (you can be anonymous if you want, I won’t turn you in, or you can email me) if you drink alcohol, why do you drink it?

I am still having memory problems since I took my spill and decided to redecorate my forehead.  I have begun to write things down to help me remember.  I have looked over my notes and I’ll be damned if I can remember the reason I am 9 pounds heavier. 

I did have a note about something that was said in a conversation with Mrs. G while driving through Northwest Texas after my she made a comment about the size of their high school football stadiums and the number of churches:

"Honey, if there is one thing to learn about Texas, they have no differentiation of going to a high school football game or going to church. ~ Genuine"

There must be a correlation to going to Texas last week and gaining nine pounds.  I did find a receipt from a place with this web address.

Sorry for those of you in Texas I missed seeing.  Perhaps a Spring Fling in Texas is in order?  Anyone want to plan it?  I’ll be there!

Tags: Texas, steak, beef, Thanksgiving, amnesia

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Thanks to my good buddy Ben, I have decided my new goal in life is to become a diamond in the rough. Hey, I figured I already mastered the basket case portion of the learning. I guess the only thing left to do is become that diamond. Then I can be every girls best friend. I could use some of that mojo right now apparently.

Fellas, gather around close because I have a little secret all Daddies should learn and put away in their emergency kit for when Mommy is at the store and Daddy is supposed to be the supervising adult in the house. You know those Costco brand diaper wipes? Yeah the plastic baggie thingy you have in every single room in the house, in each glove compartment of the cars you drive, 2 at work, 3 in the diaper bag, and 2 or 3 you have at the neighbor’s house in case you get locked out of the house. I have found a handy use. When your child comes up to you and says, “Daddy, it’s yucky”, and you turn to see that he has been playing in the Elmer’s Glue, those wipes actually work very well on the kitchen table, recliner, carpet and even that lock of hair.

Tags: Costco, Daddy Tips, Diaper Wipes, Elmer’s Glue

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People often ask how a blogger can keep up with a number of blogs and still stay sane, meet the challenges of everyday life, have a wife and kids and still live.  I am about to let all of you in on a little blogger secret.  So far they have not required us bloggers to succumb to any drug testing such as steroids, or enhancing agents, and no I’m not talking about those enhancements, but some of us have a cocktail that we have each day or even some more than once a day.  Here is a sample of the cocktail I get on my way to blogging for the day.

This is not a product placement campaign for diet Pepsi or for Compaq, but as you can see, we are well fortified when stuck in our pajamas for weeks at a time like I have.  Oh and another thing I have learned since I gave up showering and other things, I have found that my beard is quite filled with more salt than pepper.

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