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December 23, 2004
Christmas Cheer?

Just when I think that the stress of Christmas is getting to be too much and that I can't bear the thought of taking one more step forward to the fateful day of rushing and going here and there, I get hope from people like Eddie...

Eddie: Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.

and of course....

Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?


Of course, I am fairly certain that about Saturday evening I'll be close to being like Clark when he says....

Clark W. Griswold: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here! We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye! And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!

At least I don't expect to get a holiday boner bonus this year so I'm sure I won't lose it like this guy.....

Clark W. Griswold: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy Shit!!! Where’s the Tylenol?

You see? I live most of my life through the movie screen. Maybe instead of working today, I can go rent some movies and sit in the conference room with this oversized tin of cheese popcorn! Why do I suddenly feel like Bob Cratchet?

Is anyone out there? Are you working?

genuine | 08:00 AM


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