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I have often said my life revolves around the movies. I quote them, I live them and I adore them. We all play the role of the heroine, the hero, and walk a mile in the shoes of the actors on screen. I guess that is what makes us escape to the theater.
I often use movie quotes in my comments when reading other blogs. Apropos of the “My Fair Lady” post where I stirred the proverbial pot. I have quoted most recently only children’s animated cartoons, because I have only seen those movies about a cajillion times since my kids began to watch them. We recently bought “Brother Bear” so expect some one-liners from that one as well. God I love the Mackenzie Brothers.
I have often associated myself to certain situations within movies and find myself reacting in the same way. The actor I most associate with is Michael Keaton. I was a senior in high school when he first stepped into the limelight with “Nightshift” with Henry Winkler and Mr. Keaton as Billy Blazejowski. I knew he was the real deal when I saw him in Mr. Mom. To this day, I catch myself pulling the “Old Aunt Emily”. My diaper scene with the yellow gloves the protective glasses and the apron came from that movie. His humor is the epitome of Genuine humor. The sarcasm, the quick-witted response, and the look, you know the one, the eyebrow look.
If you had to have a movie person, play you in a movie, who would it be? Marilyn Monroe? Dustin Hoffman? Would it be about your looks or about your personality? Does your life emulate a movie already made? God, I love movies. I have probably seen the movie you reference. Want to make a bet? Okay, you know the last movie I saw in a movie theater was “Armageddon”, so be nice.
Just to get it started:
Jack Butler: "I yelled at Kenny for coloring outside the lines! Megan and I are starting to watch the same TV shows. I'm liking them. I'm losing it!"
*Trying to get Kenny to give up his security blanket.*
Jack Butler: "I understand that you little guys start out with your woobies and you think they're great... and they are, they are terrific. But pretty soon, a woobie isn't enough. You're out on the street trying to score an electric blanket, or maybe a quilt. And the next thing you know, you're strung out on bedspreads Ken. That's serious."
I try to play well with others Excerpt: My wanderings through the blogs of others this morning leave me wanting to play along with my friends. Genuine asks us who would play us in the movie version of our lives and why. (He says he'd be Michael Keaton Weblog: The Adventures of a Snowball in Hell Tracked: April 1, 2004 10:44 AM
When I'm angry and feeling sorry for myself, just color me Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.
Wow, this is a tough question. Michael Keaton played a pretty cool dad, so I can see how you can relate. I just can't think of very many actresses that played very favorable moms. Not off hand at least. If we're talking personality, I think Meg Ryan could do a good job of capturing me as a mom. Of course, I'm not a blondie, so Sandra Bullock or a younger Kirstie Alley might better fit the bill!
Although I would love to say Julia Roberts for the glamour thing, it just SOMEHOW doesn't quite fit. I think I am more like Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail"...kinda ditzy but in a nice way. And I do have the grace (no pun intended) of Sandra Bullock in "Miss Congeniality" especially walking in high heels. CRASH!
I would have to say Bonnie Hunt would play me. I adore her. Greatest actress of all time? Nah, but I think she is fun. Her role in the new Cheaper by the Dozen would be more typical of me. A smartass parent who sees no problem is messing with her kids' minds. My kind of mom! ;-)
wow... I used to look like Molly Ringwald(sp?) in 16 Candles and Breakfast at Tiffany's. But i'm a big fan of (i can't believe I'm going to say this) Angelina Jolie as Laura Croft. She's just so damn spunky and strong... like me. Spunk and strong, just not in the physical sense like she is - I also feel inspired to work out when i watch those movies.
I really ought to watch them more often. I'd be more inspired.
I love that part in Mr. Mom when Jack has the protective gloves and goggles holding the poopie pants like you said and I love his nasal "Wheres mommy keep the extra diapers?" at that moment. Sounds like Chuckie on Rugrats LOL.
As far as everything else goes... I would have to pick Jennifer Lopez to play me, not because she is an amazing actress, not because she can sing and dance but because her booty looks just like my booty only her booty is more famous then mine.
At different times in my life, I have been several major characters from the movie Steel Magnolias. lol
Specifically, Sally Field, Julia Roberts and Shirley Maclaine.
The wit's still there, just a little slow these days :-)
carrottop. no, seriously i'd want tom hanks to play me. he's reasonably good looking, seems like a genuinely nice guy, and is pretty damn funny. sounds like me to a 't'.
I would have to say Holly Hunter in Living Out Loud. It is a great film about finding yourself once life kicks you in the head. I also loved her in Broadcast News and even Crash - a very strange movie about sex and car crashes. I think that is the only movie I ever say where about 1/3 of the audience got up and left all together. Most people were going along with the odd movie and most guys were really putting themselves in James Spaders shoes ... he's weird and getting a lot of sex but then at one point, totally out of the blue, Elias Koteas plants a huge passionate kiss on him. Holy bisexual batman! So many guys in the audience were like "that's it ... I'm leaving!" Fascinating. But I really like Holly Hunter.
comment by Lisa at 11:18 AM on 04.01.04
Winona Ryder as Jo March in "Little Women". Headstrong, frequently says the wrong things, feels deeply, writes a lot. I identified with the character immediately.
comment by Carol at 11:38 AM on 04.01.04
Oh man, I had a great comment and it's lost. What I WAS saying is:
If you could graft Bonnie Hunt in Cheaper by the Dozen onto Julia Roberts in Erin B., and the add several thick coats of whoever ends up playing Kate Reddy if and when they make a film of I Don't Know How She Does It, we'd just about have it.
A long time ago, when Kazoofus was a brand new baby, a reader once commented that my personality reminded him of Sandra Bullock and the roles she traditionally plays. Sassy and smart was I think how he described her. I've never come up with anyone better than that so Sandra Bullock it is!
Okay all you copy cats out there...Sandra as cute and loveable as she is, is not the only glam girl out there!! I would have to pick Rene Russo in Tincup. Tee it up!
Touch of Signourney Weaver from Alien movies (height and balls)
Little bit of Bonnie Hunt from Cheaper (family humor)
Smidge of Helen Hunt from Women Think (career)
Teenie Smoosh of Rene Zellwiger from Bridget (self deprecation)
And a whole lot of that crazy old bat from Steel Magnolias played by Shirley McClain (sarcasm, pessimism, but a great heart under a tough exterior)
I guess I'm going to have to stick with my answer I gave you the other night... Johnny Depp. It would take someone with his skill to play such a wack-job like me.
I commented today at The Mommy Blog that I would give women equal time and do a little male bashing. Let me be the first to apologize. Telling everyone how horrible men can be in business or other parts of life is just too damn easy. You know, and I know, so why give it credit by discussing it? Heck, if you really want to do some male bashing, fire away in the comments. We men can always use a little humbling; of course there are only three or four men that might hear your roar.
What I really want to say is something that has been evident from the very start of my journey into blogdom. I love people. I love the differences in people, the showing of friendship and the all around goodness of people.
I posted earlier about why women can’t be more like men. In case you were wondering, I was being as sarcastic as I have ever been. What you say? Genuine, being sarcastic? I love that women are not like men.
I had some extra time this evening to contemplate my first 30 days of my experience here in this forum. I never knew anything about blogs or for that matter had never been in a chat room or wanted to have anything to do with my computer. Heck that was for people without a life that sat around all day pushing the send receive button on their email program hoping to be stimulated (Yes Michele, I had to use it. We are pathetic but I just wanted to admit it to the world.) In fact I have never been a writer and my writing experience has been limited to pissing off lawyers or writing to pissed off lawyers. I guess I was born for satire.
What I have learned is there is a great cross-section of people I have met and people that have touched me in some manner. I have to start with my blogroll. As you can see there is somewhat of theme that has transpired, but there are some spices added to the soup as well. Take the time to visit these people. Each have a story that may touch you and reach out to you. (Its easy to wash up after). They obviously have made an impression with me.
I have read stories of everyday life and what makes up the very fabric of our being. I have been touched by stories of heartbreak, happiness, and a gambit of emotions that are obviously too numerous to describe. I have heard of politics, family, schooling, medicine, employment, death and taxes, and birth and good fortune. I have read of fertility and infertility, divorce, marriage, marital bliss and marital discord. I have watched as frienships have developed and I have cheered when others find a new friend.
I have read comments to posts that have shocked me, cracked me up, and made me cry, I have been angered and my heart has broken. Yes some of us guys do cry. I have held my tongue on a number of occasions, and I have probably commented where I should have refrained. I have joked, teased, and even hugged in a non-touching kind of a cyber no touchy feely way.
The human spirit amazes me and the way people can be with one another. I guess what I am really trying to say is...............
You all are a bunch of fucking really weird wackos and I love every one of ya.
Blogs are a wonderful media for communication, are they not? I'm very happy that you have enjoyed your first 30 days, as I know I have enjoyed reading your blog. :-)
I've done my share of male bashing in the past, but I realize there's just as many bad women out there too. There are SO many differences in men and women. I find myself uttering "MEN!" a lot, but it really isn't the whole species, just a select few. I know there are some great men out there - it is just hard finding one that isn't already attached. ;-)
I agree with you about the human spirit - very well written post!!
Wow..that was very Touching! "not in a touchy feely way" ;)
I enjoy your blog! not sure if you have bothered to come to mine. But that is okay. I still come!
I too am rather new 'round these parts. I have also made some new friends, laughed alot with the everyday trials and tribulations that we all go through. It's just kinda nice to know that we aren't going through them alone and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I read somebody's blog and think "I know EXACTLY how they feel" or "OMG - that happened to me." It is affirmation that although we are all different, we are all the same and maybe, just maybe, I am not as weird as I think I am!
I have just recently found your blog and am happy to report...i love it, very genuine, very real and very well written. *No male bashing from me...my hubby rocks!
Hey...I thought we were gonna bash men. What happened to that part of the post? Your gonna force me to post my favorite man bashing joke on Kazoofus now aren't you????
No...you're the f*cking weird wacko! Yes you are. Yes you are. Uh-huh! You are too!
(Which is why I so totally adore you! Keep doing what you're doing. You're a great guy.)
Ah see, typical male behavior..you were gonnna allow us ladies to have our say, and then you throw in sappy stuff so we couldn't *possibly* be anything but piles of mush. :)
I'm honored (and IMO undeserving) to be on your blogroll, Genuine. *big wacko hug* I love you too, G. *sniff*
Gotta' thank Heather for leading me to your world. No male-bashing from this Kimberlee, either.
comment by Kimberlee at 10:23 AM on 03.31.04
That's very sweet of you. I'm sure those who you read are very touched by that. I know that's why I'm not addicted to people's blogs. It's like watching life unfold, and you get all the good bits. Good meaning, important, intense and sometimes random. :)
you're a great writer and I'm glad to have found your blog :-)
I think we all know people, as a collective unit, has it's share of idiots....lol That's the beauty of blogging I guess. You can tell who is venting and who is really bashing.
You really do write great stuff!! It is so nice to see our office environment hasn't totally destroyed all of your brain cells. And yes you are right, none of us here EVER male bash you!! You are one of the nicest men we know and we do know you "are doing the best you can" We love Ya!!
Great post about blogging, I'm surprised you've only been blogging for a month! Very touching, but I won't worry...I'm off to wash up. lol--I loved that line. :)
Here, have a brownie, you fucking really weird wacko.
/clumsy attempt at welcoming you affectionately to the club>
Seriously, I may make people feel better about their lives when they read my blog, but shit man, you definitely make us all feel better about our toy management skills!
If you have similarly managed closets or garage or Tupperware cupboards, by all means, show us!!
Yeah well Genuine..you are THE reason I started reading blogs....but having known ya a long time...I already knew you were talented...so GO bloggggggggggg on, mr. sarcastic,who really is a nice guy.
comment by MileHighCyn at 06:25 PM on 03.31.04
very well written so I wont male bash tonight (atleast not here anyway) lol lol lol
well said, well said.
If anyone had told me 6 months ago that I would go to my computer to pour out my heart ~ then wait for faceless but dear friends to reach out to me ... well, I would have called them "weird and wacky"
A toy bomb went off in the Genuine household last evening. No one was hurt in the blast, although Genuine Dad did step on something sharp that could get infected. The suspects were apprehended shortly before dawn and confessions were signed in front of authorities. The two suspects acted alone in their endeavor, and they will be performing community service while on probation. Here are some of the pictures of the devastation caused by the two toy terrorists. Please be forwarned some of you may feel these to be too graphic and not suitable for other children.
Dirty Bomb Excerpt: I can't imagine there's anyone left in my blog-circle who hasn't seen what Genuine's kids did to their play room, but just in case...... Weblog: The Zero Boss Tracked: April 1, 2004 09:13 AM
OK Ok Auntie will start giving money for birthday and Christmas!
comment by avrialeden at 01:30 PM on 03.30.04
It must make you feel SO good to know that you're making a LOT of us feel better about our crud... er, toys. :) I think I need to go hug my kids for this one.
comment by kimberlee at 01:49 PM on 03.30.04
How did you get the confession ... mine never confess, even when evidence is throw at them ...
comment by Lisa at 02:55 PM on 03.30.04
Dude, You need the Clean Sweep people from the Discovery Channel to come help you out with that mess, LOL! They come in and pull all that crap out of the room, make you sort through it, sell it, and make your room look all spiffy again. Shall I call them or do you want to?
Well apparently, that's how kids play with their toys these days. They don't actually play with any one toy in particular, the toys are just used in the "make a giant mess" game where they just take ALL toys from their appointed place and throw them all over the house. We play that here ALL the time.
comment by Chelle at 06:18 PM on 03.30.04
that has to be the biggest toy bomb in history.
good god man.
comment by Milehighcyn at 07:01 PM on 03.30.04
hahah...THAT is the reason I refuse to have a 'toy room'!!!
That reminds of why I am so happy that my 23 year old son now has a 2 year old. Pay backs are hell, especially when little pay back can make pouty faces.
comment by dennis at 09:38 PM on 03.30.04
I'm just jealous of the padded walls. Stick 'em in straight jackets... put them in the padded room and who cares what they do?
Apparently, I have confused a lot of readers thinking that I have been sitting in Betty Ford’s Clinic sucking my thumb in the fetal position. Actually, it was at my own home.
Seriously, Last week was a tough week. I have been working especially hard hours and incurring a lot of stress during that period. Some things at work happened that caused me to reevaluate to regroup and to recharge. I took 3 days off last week, and tried to meditate my way in to an answer as to why the heck I was feeling like the doormat of the world. I should have seen it coming given my bouts with insomnia, and my lack of fresh air and sunshine. I guess all I really needed was a hug, and the words of a little girl. Heck, now I can move mountains…or at least sweep the kitchen floor. The “S” on Daddy’s chest need to be repainted. Even Daddy's have their krytonite.
I have always liked the movie "My Fair Lady”. I was thinking of this song the other day when dealing with a woman in an industry not really related to mine. If you don’t know the song, it is sung by Professor Higgins (Rex Harrison) to Pickering in his house, and it is called a Hymn to Him. Since most of the readers of my blog here are women, my intent is not to offend but to merely throw out the same question. “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?”
We all know it as the “old boys network”. Its been referred to in harassment suits and in wrongful discharge cases. Women “hit the glass ceiling” and all other forms of clichés that are heard about men and women in industry. I actually have seen them first hand.
As a side note, and on the opposite side of the coin, I work in an office where I am the only staff person that is a man. I work with around 15 - 20 women. Let’s just say I tend to hold my tongue quite often and I usually end up in conversations where I have no idea what is being talked about. It’s like having 20 sisters. The reason for the post is not to discuss my coworkers, all of them are great, and they just usually look at me with this look of “bless his heart he is doing the best he can.” I really try my best to be the perfect lady.
Now to the question at bar. “Does a woman feel that she has to be a raving lunatic bitch to feel as though she is being taken seriously?”
I have always been a believer in fielding the best team, whether it is a man or woman, and my team is without any color. They are wearing the same team colors no matter the nationality. Now I know I’m talking in Utopian terms, but why is it that some women, (I certainly don’t want to generalize) feel the need to manage by terror rather than by leadership? I'm not syaing she attacks only men. In fact, I have seen her tear down a woman in front of other women. Perhaps this is not a topic that can be discussed as rational adults.
I spoke to her partner, a man, and in about three sentences the transaction had been taken care of and each party walked away with exactly what the other wanted. I had started with the exact same sentence, word for word. Perhaps she was having a bad day, and somebody needs to send her some chocolate, but of course that would be condescending. Could somebody please tell me what the rules are? Can somebody look at my ass to see if I have any of it left?
I believe your ass is still there!!!!
Touchy subject!!
I know the words," You can attract bees with honey not vinegar" don't normally come into play when a woman feels she isn't being taken seriously. Look at Amerosa! (from The Apprentice) She was fired for being basically a witch. She felt she was being totally professional. Most of us felt she was being a professional *^&%$$. I think it depends.
Men tend to be more straight forward and emotionless (generalizing of course) when it comes to business. Most woman can't seperate that.
So yes, to deal with the sharks in the business world I believe most woman feel like they have to be total control freaks and strong personalities to get respect.
PS Chocolate always helps!
comment by avrialeden at 11:59 PM on 03.29.04
First, them's fightin' wurds! *straightens up hair*
Second, I find that I am taken much more seriously if I don't act like a crazy person. Truth. But that's me. Everyone keeps telling me I think and act more like a guy anyway, so maybe my word as a woman should be on the clearance rack.
The best way to deal with a lunatic is to walk away unfazed, if at all possible. Just let them go on making your point for you, without giving more fuel or target practice.
Oh, I'm full of good advice when it's not me. But it's still good advice.
True story. When I took my current job, my predecessor (and every female within a 100-yard radius) HATED my boss two levels up. Classic prick, pinkie rings, wandering eye, dick to match, penis car*, bottomless pit of irresistable charm, power issues.
My predecessor warned me about interactions with him. I even went with her for a sample. She listened to him nitpick & micromanage and show off for the new fish. She took it. And then she muttered to herself all the way back down the hall and into her office, where she stewed and complained. Huh.
Once she was gone, I went to those meetings alone. And I didn't just sit there. If there was a counterpoint, I made it. If he was asking for something ridiculous, I walked around him verbally for a moment and then showed him the view from the other side. If he pulled a power play, I stood up (3 inches, baby, all I needed) and looked at him a moment before doing what he asked.
That guy NEVER gave me more shit than he thought he could get away with. And now he's been gone 6 years, I have a bigger office, make more than he did, and once had the dubious pleasure of listening to him kiss my ass for three days at a conference where he was trying to drum up business as a consultant. Yeah, I scrubbed it later.
And yeah, I realize that I should just get my own blog. In fact, I'm posting this there too, but I'll trackback. ;-)
Hang in there, toots. Let her make you point for you. Others notice.
*Penis Car: the kind of car that makes you want to pull up alongside at a stop light, roll down your window, and shout, "Sorry about your penis!"
First, I am definitely going to read Mindy's blog. She seems to know how to ascend without being a raving lunatic.
Second, being a bitch and/or a lunatic is not the answer. Unfortunately, I've known many women who are or were like that. Some are successful, some are not. The results vary depending on the industry, staff, level of fear of her, etc.
I sympathize tremendously with your position however. I had the opposite experience (ie. only woman executive in a company filled with 18 men...and of course the boss's wife).
My advice to you is this: when a workplace is that unbalanced (ie. gender and conversations etc.) it's better to make a move. Things will never change, at least not without a major upheaval. You're already stressed and somewhat excluded. I think you deserve better. Polish off that resume and start looking before your stress load gets so bad you don't even have the energy for that effort. A well run company doesn't let someone toxic like that dominate everybody else. The toxic ones exist, but they're not as influential.
I'm proud to say after 5 full days of rehabilitation, I am able to face reality with without fear. Of course I feel at this moment like the men standing on the wall of the Alamo, but everyone's reality is different. I'm not going down without a fight....okay maybe a whimper.
Sometimes when life has you down and your feeling low, it only takes a small thing to get you to come out of the darkness and see the light. My daughter helped me out of the darkness today. She accomplished this in 4 words as she looked sheepishly into my eyes:
"I love you Daddy"
Life does have purpose! Nothing else really matters more. I am sure with that one phrase from a little girl, most of those that feel depressed or under the weather, would snap out of it. Tell someone you love them today. It may be all they need.
the fact that kids are so cute and heart-warming is the only reason we survive as a species. they need that defense mechanism to compensate for the times when they are complete monsters!
Things like that make life so much easier to face. :-) Even if someone comes up and gives me a hug if I'm having a bad day - helps it all go away and/or easier to deal with.
Hey we had pizza last night too! No heartburn for me though. Slept like a baby (for once)
You know you're addicted when you get up in the middle of the night to blog don't you?! Get help! LOL (kidding)
It was a proud poop. A poop you can call a top 10 in every pooping category. If my son was here during one of our potty training sessions, it would be the text book poop. Looking to my left I gaze at the TP holder in horror! Yes…. 2 squares, the worse thing that could possibly happen to a perfect poop. That’s okay, I’ll get a replacement…I will salvage this. No replacements. Crap! The 2 squares will have to hold until reinforcements arrive.
Now I know that my daughter is only 4 and she does not know the problems with not having the proper paperwork to complete the project. She of course, was not the last one in the sand box this day. Genuine Boy we all know does not yet use said potty. My question is honey…leaving two squares? You had just enough to get the job done and didn’t want to over do it?
I can't spare a square. I don't have a square to spare." - (either) Jane or Elaine
If you had already started your new job; simple things like this would be no worry. Why that is what .... are for.
comment by mudpup at 02:03 PM on 03.26.04
Why is it always mom's fault? Why is it that when I am so generous by leaving the next person a few squares I get ragged on...next time I'm leaving nothing but the cardboard roll. Oh and I'm not even going to mention the fact that I HAVE TO PEE 20 TIMES A DAY MORE THAN YOU!!!!
Well I thoroughly enjoyed your poop story! In fact, there's nothing like a great poop story! Too bad I can't toss ya a few squares.
LOL, Thanks for the giggles!
I have done a lot of soul searching and I have come up with perfect job. The job that I can be proud knowing I am the best of the best at performing my duties. A job I can handle with unparalleled enthusiasm. Ladies and Gentleman I present to you my new job.
Ah yes..............a perfect job for the two of you..and what a find Yellow Lab I might add. Honey, bring Genuine a cold one. It's getting hot out here.
comment by Milehighcyn at 01:11 PM on 03.26.04
Is there another opening for that job? I want it too!!
Wendy, he can move the desk and the computer out there, and it will actually do the job for him and he can actually take breaks...bathroom (which he seems sooo fond of), eating, changing poopy diapers...Hey this just might work!
comment by MrsG at 03:29 PM on 03.26.04
that's better than mine ... i wanted to be the guy who "holds up the wall". but i like yours better.
Day 3 of the rehab has begun, and I am feeling slightly surreal. I had a dream last night that leads me to believe that the demons are leaving my body. The dream was so wild that I cannot begin to explain it here without somebody calling my therapist and having a truck with men in white jackets showing up.
Highlights have to do with a mad woman driving an 18-wheeler, a tornado, my ex-wife and her sister, and my boss with Winnie the Pooh. Wow. Honey….don’t worry I actually took a shower this morning.
The things that I have learned while I have been in Rehab Mode:
1. Flushing the toilet can throw fecal bacteria up to 20 feet. (I read it...no I did not experience it) Please shut the lid from now on;
2. Latex condoms are better than polyurethane at preventing pregnancy(now they tell me);
3. The more sex a man has with his partner (notice I don’t discriminate) the better his cardiovascular function (people help your man out);
4. Researchers at the University of Florida analyzed Starbucks Breakfast Blend and the caffeine content varied up to 50% in a 16 ounce cup (another right wing conspiracy);
5. After two days of no shower, I tend to smell bad;
6. Men really do think of sex more than 2,000 times per day; and
7. I love my wife as much or more than when she married me! (What do you think guys did it work?)
People learn something new everyday. What have you learned today?
I learned that maybe all those teenage boys who said they'd die if we didn't give them sex might have been telling the truth after all. (Now I sort of feel bad)
okay whats with the wierd dreams everyone seems to have had last night? Everyone is blogging about wierd dreams, I thought I was the only one who blogged today about a wierd one (actually mine is a retarded one lol). Hmmmmm - damn Sandman mustve accidentally sprinked crack on us all instead of pixy dust.
Since I already knew about #1, I learned NOT to keep toothbrushes on the bathroom countertop. Gah!
comment by Kimberlee at 05:44 PM on 03.26.04
I learned I need to get my hands on whatever you're taking during rehab so I can have great dreams like that too....Winnie the Pooh??? How cool is that!!??
Oh, and I want the job your dog has as a deck guard. :-)
I learned that driving a car with kids on a long road trip and driving me crazy go hand in hand! I learned the frequency of a good toddler scream! ( and yes it can break glass)
It is official, it has taken exactly 3 hours and 27 minutes to make it through my blogroll of great blogs. Of course, once I get into their blogs, I tend to get sidetracked on their blog rolls and so on and so on. How do you people expect me to do anything? I can't take a shower, what if I miss something? I didn't even reach the bottom of my list, and the list came alive with more posts.
I know what you're saying, "Genuine, if you weren't such a comment freak, you might have a life". I'm sorry, but when you all are such great writers and have allowed me to be a part of your life, I feel I owe it you to let you know that what you're saying matters. Yeah, I get it...me too...great laugh...so sad...you know I felt the same way. Most of the time, I just leave a small tidbit, it could be humor or it could be a high five, but hey I was here.
Can somebody tell me if it gets any worse than this? Can it get any better? Will someone please explain to my wife I have not completely lost all sense of reality? Can someone please call my boss and tell him there is no way I'll be able to make it into to work again? I'm going to need more computer for this. Honey....do you have the number for Computer Land? Oh....and order pizza again this could take a while.
It gets worse before it gets better. One day you'll look at your blog and see that it extends to a length equal to that of War & Peace. That is the day when you go through your links and either get selective, or say, the hell with it, and add more. I periodically trim my blog, although there are those on my blog that are "permanent". People like Buzz, Empress, Buddha, KathyHowe, Critter's Mom, and so on.
Hell, I'm sure not going to tell you to stop being such a comment junkie. If I did, who would make me snort soda out my nose when I read what they wrote on my posts?!
I will try to swing the poll in her favor, seeing as Kevin (& for some odd culinary-crazed reason, flan) was (were) viewed as underdogs against GG. I think the slingshot will definitely scare votes AWAY from Kevin... but I need to fine a way to "smear" flan. Oooh, probably going to be messy...
Well I don't know who Gigi is, though isn't a name of a movie about Gypsy Rose Lee. If so well than THAT explains it. lol I do know who Gigli is. She [the movie] is a lot like Spam. *shudder*
In 1975, (yeah, I now some of you were not yet conceived) a movie starring Gene Hackman, Candice Bergen and James Coburn, was released, called “Bite the Bullet”. It was a movie about a 700-mile endurance horse race between competitors around 1906. I am drawn to a scene in that movie towards the end when the finish line is in sight. The competitors are trying to finish the race, each trying to win and relying on their horse to take them to the finish. The horses have been ridden to their last bit of energy, their necks are lathered from sweat and they have only the will to win left. They stagger and strain to finish.
Today I am one of the horses in that race. I’ve been whipped and rode until all I have is the will to win. A line of Gene Hackman’s from that movie describes the drive and determination that is ingrained into our very lives:
"If you're not the best, the first and the greatest, then you're not an American."
Today, this “American”, has decided to stop the race. Not quit, but bring the race to a halt. There comes a time when winning is not the issue, but surviving. Winning can be a great motivator, but sometimes winning is not enough and at that moment we must re-evaluate what game we are playing. A few days of rest and “reevaluation” are in order.
Oh, but I will obviously be here at the helm of GenuineBlog. A man’s got to have his priorities.
I was born in 1975, so I didn't see, nor have I ever heard of the movie. I don't think I would have seen the movie anyway, even if I wasn't an infant. I guess none of this really matters. It has nothing to do with your post. I am glad you have your priorities straight though. What would we all do without your site to read?
Yeah... been there... did that... motivated me to lose it. Oh, that and I couldn't afford to go up a third pants size.
I was thinking about re-enacting that scene from one of the Austin Powers movies where Fat Bastard is eating a turkey leg in bed and rubs ... neverming.. I can't even finish the story.. I just cleaned my keyboard.
So I’m preparing a Response to a Motion for Summary Judgment, I’m Blogging, and I’m talking on the phone to a lawyer about another case. I wonder if I’m making sense to anyone at this point.
WHEREFORE, the respondent respectfully requests…
Funny....here comes my boss and he's carrying a box and is being followed by a security guard. Hey, what are you guys doing....that's my stuff!
Your family is welcome to stay at my house until you get back on your feet, but you have to bring your own computer to blog with...you can't have mine!!!
Wonder what Nixon meant by “I am not a crook.” Did he mean crook as in Hamburglar, or crook as in dirty politician?
I wonder how the boys in Iraq are doing? I wonder what the weather is like there. God, please be with them.
Why am I hungry? Oh yeah, I did not eat dinner. Must explain to Mrs. G why blogging is more important than eating.
Hee hee I hope that fart doesn’t wake her up. Wait a minute…..I didn’t fart. Holy Jebus! I will never understand why she craves Mexican food all the time while pregnant.
5:10 a.m. Still wide awake.
I guess I’ll just snuggle for the next 20 minutes until the alarm goes off.
Why am I getting sleepy now?
Wow, Genuine Baby is practicing his gymnastics. How does she sleep through that?
Where in the heck is that snooze button. Wait, why do you want the snooze button? There has been no snoozing for quite sometime.
5:32 a.m. Peeing.
5:34 a.m. Still Peeing. Yeah I know, have you ever seen Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own?
5:40 a.m. Mrs. G finished showering.
5:45 a.m. Genuine is finished washing but no way am I getting out of this shower.
5:55 a.m. Still showering…should I go to work?
Maybe I could quit my job. Maybe I could win the lottery. Maybe I could run away. Maybe this is all a dream. Maybe the hot water will last forever.
5:56 a.m. Lousy 40 gallon hot water tank.
6:00 a.m. Watching weather report.
Dammit no snow day. What do you mean its 53 outside? This is Colorado!
6:04 a.m. Mrs G. is ironing Fat Pants. Cool.
6:10a.m. Wake Genuine Boy. Whew, he is not in a dress.
6:11 a.m. Wake Genuine Girl. Whew, no pee spots in the bed.
6:15 a.m. Dress Genuine Boy. Argue with Genuine Boy about which sock to put on first.
6:17 a.m. Argue with Genuine Boy about watching Wiggles or a DVD.
6:19 a.m. Genuine Boy still screaming about Wiggles and DVD’s. Making Pancakes.
6:24 a.m. Genuine Girl arrives freshly dressed and braided pigtails and all smiles. She’s on spring break.
“Why is he screaming Daddy?”
“Don’t worry about it…are you hungry?” She loves pancakes.
Genuine Boy runs over and decides he does not want pancakes. Pancakes are now upside down on the middle of Genuine Boy’s chair.
6:25 a.m. Genuine Boy in timeout for pancake episode.
6:30 a.m. Kiss Mrs G for the first time and speak to her about Genuine Boy’s transgressions. Genuine Boy is now completely sweet and wanting to eat pancakes. Little suck up.
6:40 a.m. Not too late to stay at home. Coin toss occurs, lose coin toss for the 12th time in a row. Must be a new record.
6:50 Genuine Boy screaming about wanting to watch Sleeping Beauty rather than Treasure Planet in the car in spite of the fact that he chose Treasure Planet himself.
7:20 a.m. Arrive at my desk. Peace, Quiet and Calm. Look at the stacks of paper. CRAP.
Hello sunshine Excerpt: Inspired by Genuine's post on his morning adventures here is a typical Critter morning...... Weblog: Musings of Critter's Mom Tracked: March 23, 2004 09:15 AM
I think that's way worse than my morning and its 4 against one over here.
Pancakes? I just throw a box of cereal at mine.
Yeah, who the heck has time for pancakes? I'm pouring the cereal and milk in 'em as I'm hauling their butts out the door! Cute though, how genuine boy sucks up to mommy. LOL
Your kids get cereal?!? Mine get's a Nutrigrain bar in the car. If I remember. I totally forgot to feed him breakfast before Church on Sunday. I won't be winning any "mother of the year" awards anytime soon."
Wow---all that and you still have time for coffee?
comment by MileHighCyn at 11:43 AM on 03.23.04
ROFL sounds like a typical morning at my house although pancakes are reserved for the weekends when my dh makes them. Although today I did flex my culinary muscles and make my daughter an English Muffin. LOL
oh I give props to Mrs. G....wow. That's a full morning. I'm so glad that as of right now, I am not married nor do I have kids. But I'm also 24...and trying to live as a student for a career :)
And just think, pretty soon that'll be all +1!!! And just so you don't think I'm being completely sadistic, I DO know what it's like. I have three kids myself, including an 11 year old that throws fits like Genuine Boy does...funsville, population, me.
WOW! your mornings make mine sound like a vacation! and I have 3 boys to get up and off to school. Goodluck with the new one on the way!
and I enjoyed my visit here as well, very entertaining!
Have a Great Day!
Genuine- thought of you reading the newspaper tonight: In Sunday's edition they did a feature on a man who likes to play wiffleball at the student rec center. Apparently the guy he plays with joked that the man likes to play to get some time away from his pregnant wife. The paper thought he was serious, and printed that in the article.
Tonight there is a correction that the man NEVER said that, his friend did jokingly. Do you suppose the pg wife was slightly miffed???
You know...I was gonna write you a comment esp. after what you wrote on Zoofy's site..DID NOT need to think about Janet Reno NEKKID!!! *ewwww and still shuddering...many hours later* hehehehe. Nice site btw, popped over here after being at Nef's. ;)
That's my favorite dinner in the whole world. The corn has to be from the garden for it to be 'perfect' though. Oh, and add a roll with butter. Porterhouses are pretty good too. Mmmmmm, now I'm hungry.
What? steak and wine and I didn't know?
lol
I love steak and wine.....
(well corn on the cob too and baked potatoes loaded)....
ahhh the great outdoors (grill)
comment by Milehighcyn at 09:57 PM on 03.21.04
Yes, that sounds just right...
If I'm going to be on Atkins, can you take it easy with the food bragging, please?
Or not. I can live vicariously through my blog friends, I guess!
See? We have a lot in common. You like food. I like food. So refreshing to see someone talk about a nice hunk of meat. I am in the land of liberal herbivores....
Congrats to you on your pregnancy. Is Mrs. G going to start a blog? We wanna know the details. When's she due? What's the sex or what sex do you want. Does she have morning sickness? Whatcha gonna name the new Genuine?
Fancy that, we had a similar dinner...only instead of New York Steak, we had flank steak. And instead of beer, we had a four-layer chocolate cake. Food coma...
Wow! You did a good thing there. Very good. And you only yelled 3 times, I'm impressed! I've been reading your blog, you are a very good writer! And very funny!!!! Thanks for the laughs!
Go over and check out Nefarious and read all about him. His first installment of the Genuine 100 has now been posted. Everyone should have a friend this unique. Tell him I said "HOWDY".
Dude, there are just so many things about him that I didn't know. And to think, I had forgotten all about the fact that I came from the Cherokee reservation in Oklahoma where I worked as a cocktail waitress in a Casino there. ;-)
But seriously, don't tell the cops about the folks and the marijuana in the bathroom thing. We've all just learned to ignore it.
Great list. Should I quake in fear at the rest of it? ;-)
Oh that is hilarious!! I have the opposite problem- my daughter wants to wear her brother's clothes and throws a tantrum whenever I pull out a dress for her to wear. lol
You will need to show him that picture about 10 years from now.. ;-)
I read on some blogs that people have their sites visited by people that have done some weird Google search and landed on their site. Here are some of the weird ones I have had:
I googled myself by my real name and my screen name. Seems I have posts about my email addy name but I didn't have "permission to access them" Some HTTP 403 thing. What the hell?
comment by Milehighcyn at 02:59 PM on 03.20.04
That comment you made on my blog, about the hemi, earned me a spot on google!
My usual ones are "Java" and then there is the occasional "Diva". Once in a while they get really racy and look up "fresh brewed coffee". I tell you, the sickos who do searches boggle my mind!
I posted one time that it was pretty sad when the highlight of an all new ER episode was the Mitsubishi commerical playing "Ballroom Blitz"- I've gotten a lot of people looking for that commercial- bet they are thrilled to read my little tidbit!
Go over to see Michele at Coffee Soup. She is my best friend and we go way back so I pretty much know everything about her. Since she is a procrastinator and very lazy, I decided to help her out with posting her 100 things. I'm sorry Michele but I had to be brutally honest with your readers. I hope I don't reveal too much about her. Hey, I'll do anything for good Karma.
I can remember it like it was yesterday, not unlike any other fall day. This girl was beautiful, with perfect features, blonde hair, and blue eyes, basically everything I had dreamed. She had a look that day like she knew we would bond with one another. I had not known her for very long, but I knew I would love her forever. I was about to do it for the first time.
As we went into her bedroom her eyes were shining and she had a sheepish grin. She held my fingers with one hand and with my other, I caressed her cheek. She had perfect skin, unblemished and without lines wrinkles or torture by the sun. Her skin was soft and she turned her mouth to my hand. My hand was somewhat dirty and it was rather rough from playing ball with my buddies. Surely she was not going to put that in her mouth! Dear God!
My hands worked slowly, as I trembled with fear at what was about to take place. She seemed to sense the fear, so I planted a kiss on her forehead ever so gently to reassure that I knew what I was doing. I actually had no idea, and my confidence or lack thereof was beginning to show. I helped her out of her clothes and things began to go much swifter. God has a way of giving you the know how with such things.
I was surprised at how long it lasted. I had heard from my buddies that once you get started, it goes really fast. I on the other hand was taking forever. Maybe I was taking to long. Did she want this to be over? Suddenly, my confidence began to wane. Then she shuddered. A small coo came from her mouth. Oh my God! Did I hurt her? What was I doing? What was she doing?
Then it happened. What the hell was that? Dear Lord what have I done?
She peed all over my hand and down the changing table, and completely missed the diaper in my other hand. Thank God it was pee pee this time and not that mustard colored poo poo. Now I have advanced on to more veteran diaper duty. This stuff is easy. I'm master poop checker!
As I recall this girl came out poop'n. She took advantage of getting you...you let down your guard and squirt...you were changing your shirt.I think she's still trying to get even, only this time she's using genuine boy to do her dirty work...literally!
Although I thought that was a pretty risque topic for such a happily married man to be blogging about!!!!
The poop stories I can relate to. You're lucky your "first time" wasn't one of those black hospital diapers. I even conned the nurses into changing those!
Well it is morning somewhere. Genuine Boy acts as if the whole poop thing never happend. Fever is gone and for the most part, green boogers are now on the way to daddy and mommy's life. He is now just having a rumbly cough.
The good news is, I have been promoted. I am now designated poop checker.
Funny thing is, I'm back at work and I find myself as bored as yesterday. What is in the air around here?
What you're experiencing is a let-down effect...the physical ramifications of being a SAHD, for even 1 day, will slowly begin to show. Get lots of rest. At work. Unlike at home. ;)
Could site meter be wrong? I'm close to 1000 on the meter? I even blocked my own IP address. Okay Mindy, not all of us are as popoular as some. My mom has visited 897 times but who's counting?
*UPDATE* I am not sure how that site meter thingy works so I counted back until I thought I hit 1,000 and the winner is Joz! Go tell her she won. At least give her some props. She's a winner alright ROWR!
For someone who does nothing half assed, I can't believe you are so surprised. You have put in great time and effort. You deserve this...kick your heels up and enjoy!!! OH and maybe you can come to bed at a decent hour tonight. Good job honey!
Bored beyond belief, I decided to recap the day in the life of this SAHD and the things I learned today. Of course, these blips in the screen are in no particular order. Neither was my day.
A bored Daddy can eat an entire bag of Orville Redenbacher buttered popcorn.
Out of more than 100 CD’s there is no music that one can listen to that might relieve the boredom.
A peanut butter and Jelly sandwich really can explode.
Random Thoughts Excerpt: My husband's alarm clock, which I call Satan, woke me up at 6:00am this morning. It was so loud it could have traveled back in time to 1863, reached out, and yanked Abraham Lincoln out of his bed. In order... Weblog: Atypical Female Tracked: March 19, 2004 03:21 PM
Hey, Mr. I hope you found the time in all your boredom to pick up that explosion and start dinner before I get home:)
comment by MrsGenuine at 04:12 PM on 03.18.04
what color lab you got? this here be mine. she often gets doggy B.O. and she only really smells good when it's summer time because she is always in the water.
I can honestly say that I am never bored. There's always something to do. Always a diaper to change, always a child to play with, always a dish to wash, always a book to read to the little ones, always the next meal to feed the clan, ALWAYS THE EVERLASTING NEVER ENDING LAUNDRY. (I hate laundry) I don't personally have time to be bored! I'm too busy!
comment by avrialeden at 05:31 PM on 03.18.04
*now on mission to find a Freebird MP3*
I can fit a golfball in my mouth, and I'm smaller than you......why are you looking at me like that?
Got a kid looking for a golf ball now, so I'll let you know later. ;) Your list will have me laughing all night. With my PMSing hubby, that's a good thing!
Genuine Boy as suspected has a nasty green booger virus, and I'm home today with him. Having just wiped his nose for the eleventyhundredth time, I think I need to wash up. I am right now boiling water to stick my hands in. EEEWWWWW.
So this is what a SAHD does? Okay, I'm already bored. Let's do some laundry. Honey where do we keep the soap? Don't worry honey, its only those blankets where somebody had an accident.
I feel your pain, man! Good luck with keeping your hands sterile. (She says as she laughs knowing how fruitless that effort will be with a young kid, potty training who is sick.)
Genuine Boy, the three-year-old dumb jock, is still in assisted potty training, i.e. pull-ups. Okay, he should still be wearing diapers, but Mrs. G and I hope he’ll potty train through osmosis. He does however have a very thick skull.
Getting home, I walked into the family room where Genuine Boy normally is shouting he wants to “Watch Movie!” or “Daddy Watch DDD!”(V and D sound similar) This is the best pronunciation of, “Father, may I please watch a movie once you have had an opportunity to relax for a minute”.
There it was, the look….followed by a grunt. Too late, damage done. Damn, if you could just rub their nose in it and say “Bad Puppy”.
“Daddy wanna go pwotty!” he says seemingly forgetting that he had just pooped in Buzz Lightyear’s helmet.
“Did you already go?” I ask knowing the answer before it left my lips.
“Yes, its gisgustink” He says proudly.
“Yeah I know its disgusting buddy. Why did you poop in your pants?”
Daddy?
Yeah Buddy?
“Its gisgustink” again with the Genuine grin.
“You need to stop pooping in your pants.” Although technically the poop is in the Buzz Lightyear pullup.
“Uh Huh, Kay Daddy”.
Now he is getting sick and/or is sick. Its hard to tell with him until you change his diaper. Oh yeah, sick as a dog. Wow, Daddy doesn’t smell like roses but you kid need some kind of intervention. Whew.
3 hours of mayhem and destruction and its time to go to bed. Yeah...right!
“Let go to bed guys” I asked half as a question and half as a plead for sanity.
Mayhem runs ahead of destruction and she is already negotiating the terms of the bedtime ritual. Destruction wants a piggyback ride or he is not going anywhere. I wish he would grow or I wish my ass was a bit closer to the ground. Whew! 1 Horsey song something of a cross between the 1812 overture and Custer’s 7th Cavalry’s theme Garry Owen, and we reach the bathroom. “What the heck was that? Did you toot?”
“Daddy wanna go pwotty” came the response.
“Did you already go?” I asked knowing that he actually only poops one time per day.
“Yes, its gisgustink” again proudly.
“Yeah I know its disgusting buddy. Why did you poop in your pants again?”
“Daddy?”
“Yeah Buddy?”
“Its gisgustink”.
This appears to be the only pattern of the potty training that he has mastered. Whoa…I hate when he’s sick. “Honey……I need those yellow gloves and my safety goggles.”
Whew..and I thought that puppy housebreaking was tough....
comment by Milehighcyn at 09:26 PM on 03.17.04
"Gisgustink" is right!!! I not only went through it with my own kids, now I get paid to go through it with other kids. There are a lot of nice things about working at home/having a child daycare, but pwotty training is NOT one of them!
OMG - Gisgustink. But I can't stop laughing... oh the joys of potty training. Now I know why I don't have kids ;-) Cleaning out my cat's litter box is bad enough.
Have a great day and good luck with the potty training! Hope he gets the hang of things.
I'm thoroughly convinced that potty training DOES happen by osmosis. Or at least, whenever they damned well please. Whenever WE damned well please doesn't matter one bit to them.
Repeat to self: He will not go to college in Pull-Ups. He will not go to college in Pull-Ups. He will not go to...
Gisgustink. I think I burst my appendix laughing at that one!
College in pull-ups, LOL. Hmm. Having trained 4 of the little beasts, and survived, I might add, may I offer a suggestion? Ditch the pull-ups. Go straight for the SpongeBob underwear, and when he does something gisgustink in them, let him sit awhile. Worked like a charm here. Still giggling about the gloves and safety glasses...
My oldest was 3 1/2 when he finally got it all together and stopped wearing pull-ups, so you can relax a little. They have to decide themselves that it's time, to a certain extent. The best advice our pediatrician ever gave us was, "You can't force input or output." They have waaaaay more time on their hands and can out-stubborn us to beat the band, and really, is this something you really want to have a power struggle about?
Our second was almost 3 by the time he would even look at the toilet, and get this (I am not making this up): he just decided one day--and in fact it was two days after he witnessed that conversation with the pediatrician--that he would go in the potty. He went from wearing diapers and not even peeing, in the toilet to wearing underwear in one day. He still wears pull-ups for naps and at night, but I swear it happened that fast. The little bugger was just waiting for it to be all his own idea.
And I'm with QC, I swear that it's like they "just get it" one day and they are potty trained. What finally worked for us with Alex was to let him run around the house butt naked. He had a few accidents but hey, it worked- or maybe, he just simply "got it".
If your pregnant wife is getting in the car and makes a crack about not being able to get her fat ass in the seat, this is not the time to see if she appreciates sarcasm.
Genuine
Honey.......we're running out of toilet paper in here! Lousy, nose bleed.
Ahhh yes..."honey do I look fat in this dress?"
never never go there Genuine..it's a total no win.
comment by Milehighcyn at 06:47 PM on 03.17.04
Never. Ever. Go there. She is packing it on to give YOU children (let's be honest: all you had to do was get horny and deliver the goods). I'm lettin' you slide this time, because I know you have that Cakebread somewhere and I'm holdin' out hope, but men, that was cold. I am grateful to have come out of four pregnancies and three deliveries intact, but I knowthose veins wouldn't be there I'd still have killer legs if we hadn't had all those children... that I of course adore more than life itself.
The negotiation usually begins on the trip home. We carpool to and from work so Mommy and Daddy and the Kiddos get in some quality time before and after work. Mommy and Daddy plan out the evening and Genuine Girl tells of her trials and tribulations during her school day. Genuine Boy watches whatever might be playing in the DVD player.
Last night was typical of the ride home. Mommy usually starts with “What do you want for dinner?”
“I don’t care” is my 9 out of 10 response followed by “the look” from Mrs. Genuine. Neither of us wants to make another decision at that time of day.
From the back seat Genuine Boy screams “Pizza!” which is usually his 9 out of 10 response, the 10th being “Donal’s” (The Golden Arches). All the while his eyes never leave the screen and he continues to mimic the scene of Peter Pan and the Lost Boys.
Mrs. Genuine declares we are having hamburgers. Genuine Girl had other ideas. “Noooooo, I don’t want that!” We know she is not really keen on hamburgers, and we do tend to accommodate her wishes more often than we would like.
“What do you want honey” I ask.
“Cheese sandwich” she declares without hesitation.
“Okay honey Cheese sandwich it is.” I said with the decision of a king. So let it be written so let it be done.
For the next twenty minutes of the ride, Genuine Boy is saying “I wanna eat! Daddy, I wanna eat hangabur!” We have never had a problem feeding this one.
Dinner has begun and as is the norm Genuine Boy must take all of his food off of his plate and line it up on the table for eating in order. Something I’m sure will go over well on his first date. Half way through his dinner, he starts to lose focus and wants to play. We must constantly threaten we intend to give his food to the dog if he does not eat it. This usually calls for the stuffing of the remaining dinner into his mouth for a one bite finish.
By this time Genuine Girl has eaten her first French fry having had three debates with Daddy as to the inner workings of U.S. foreign relations and domestic policy. She is not a fast eater. In fact if she is given 3 hours for dinner, she might be nearly finished with her first side dish and will be thinking of eating the entrée.
Genuine Boy is off playing with his toys while Genuine Girl is still at the table. The dishwasher is loaded with the night’s dishes, and waiting for Genuine Girl’s plate and fork. Let the negotiations begin.
“Daddy, Can I have dessert now?”
“Not until you finish your dinner.” I sternly state knowing that if I start high on the negotiations, I’ll meet somewhere in the middle.
“How about 1 more bite?” She states knowing that she has started too low and will have to concede some part of what Daddy wants. She is learning the skills now all we have to do is get her in front of Mr. Trump.
“No, eat the entire sandwich and the rest of your fries, and you can have dessert. Daddy is going to work on his computer, and when I come back and your plate is clean, you can have dessert.”
“But I don’t like the crust” she says knowing that Daddy will usually concede this point.
“Okay, but when I come back in, I want the crust to be the only thing on your plate. If you do that, you can have your dessert.”
Genuine Boy hearing the magic word dessert comes charging into the kitchen as he has finally swallowed the half of a hamburger and 30 fries that he has craftfully jammed into any possible space in his mouth. “Ice Cream!” he screams. My son is probably the only kid who eats an ice cream cone with a spoon.
I return after a few minutes to find Genuine Girl rising from the floor with her plate. “What are you doing?” I ask already knowing full well what happened.
“I was just cleaning my plate like you said.” She whines.
“Why did you give your plate to the dog?” I inquired.
“I was just cleaning my plate like you said.” She was sticking to her guns.
“I didn’t mean to give your food to the dog!”
“Well you said if my plate was clean I could have dessert.” Dismissing me like one of her subjects.
“Well….” I was stumped. She had followed my instructions. She had found the loophole. The force was strong with this one.
“What kind of ice cream do you want” I said in defeat.
Hi, I just wanted to say that I've added this site to my favorites, and I read it every morning....I work with Donna; I'm in the Calgary office.....I especially love your ability to articulate the way children say things.....Love your site...please keep sharing! Have a great day!
comment by Sonja at 09:48 AM on 03.16.04
"Or Genu-beer, Whatever You Prefer"
"Genu-ine: White, Rose or Red?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I live in the South and we say "gen-u-wine", too many "wine" puns.
All right all you moms out there.You know genuine isn't the one doing the negotiations. Do you realize how hard it is to make a 3 and 4 year old sit down at the table through an entire dinner when daddy can't even do it.I praise the lord if any of the food comes anywhere close to their mouths.OOOOOOOOHHHH the list is out and your on top genuine(and not in a good way.
comment by mrsgenuine at 11:29 AM on 03.16.04
Great......now I'm on THE LIST. See what you guys made me do!
OOOO! She's good! Already knew that though! Let the games begin! The fun will begin the next time to see if you can cover all of your bases! Clean your plate, don't feed it to the dog, giving it to your brother doesn't count, chairs don't eat food, food must be in your tummy not down your clothes. The list goes on! Personal experience on this one!
comment by avrialeden at 03:09 PM on 03.16.04
That is right up there with "don't let me ever catch you doing that again". I always stop myself, changing it to "don't ever do that again". You have to watch out for those loopholes. They can be treacherous. Are you saving for law school for her?
comment by Lisa at 09:55 AM on 03.17.04
Your kids make my day! I can always visualize them EXACTLY like you describe them. Of course, I think they are adorable - but then again, I'm a grandma!! - By the way - you are way too talented!! I hope your web-site catches on and the whole world (well, at least the whole office) reads it!!
comment by Judy C at 10:47 AM on 03.17.04
LOL! Smart as a whip your daughter! This is my first time here and I'll be back!
Tell me... have you found a way to get your daughter to eat in under an hour? If you figure it out... let me know. I have one of those types too... she has EADD. Eating Attention Deficit Disorder!
“Hello, My name is Genuine and I’m a Comment Junkie”
Its true, I am. I can’t stop commenting on the blogs I visit. I love to let people know I have been there, read your stuff and it was good enough to comment upon. Call it feedback, a way to say, “Hey I read it and it was worth my time to leave you a comment”. Other times I get something funny out of the blog and it pops into my head. I have to tell you what I found funny. Is this wrong? Is this blog terrorism? Blog harassment? I hope not. Is there a list of blog do’s and don’ts? Blog etiquette? I can’t wait to be notified in a blogroll that someone has updated. Off I race to see what gem of information they have revealed. Is it funny? Is it serious? Do I laugh? Do I cry? Who needs reality TV when Blog Reality is available 24/7? Do I need help? Okay, don’t answer that. Go over to Busy Mom and find out what her family does to clowns. Hysterical!
Can you tell I finally learned the Track Back feature? Thanks Nef, you have created a monster.
Welcome to the group Genuine. Everything you tell us here is confidential. We've all been where you are...My name is Flying Piggies, and I am a blog junkie. lol
So does the fact that those whose posts your commenting on are most likely just as addicted to the comments that you and everyone else leave them make you a co-dependent as well as an addict?
Hey Genuine! Busy Mom's blog about the clowns is good! thanks ... I'm off to leave a comment there. :::::::: waving at busy mom ::::::::::::
comment by Milehighcyn at 09:38 PM on 03.14.04
I believe the technical term is "comment whore". Not to be confused with "link whore", which is someone who searches blogrolling every 10 minutes to see how many people are linked to them. *lol*
There is a term for that -- called "commentomania?"
Nah, it's a leg-pull. Anyway here may be the closest:
doromania- obsession with giving gifts (i think a comment is a gift)
graphomania- obsession with writing
scribbleomania- obsession with scribbling
I'm actually more bothered by people NOT commenting. It makes me feel slightly paranoid and suspicious.
On bad comment days I think what? What did I say? They've all gone and left me!!
I wish I'd get more comments. My stats tell me that last week was my blog's busiest week EVER. I get maybe maximum 2 comments per entry. I need interaction! Oh, and I'm a bit of a comment whore, too, although the list of blogs that I frequent has gone WAY down recently (time/work constraints, etc.)
I like it when people comment a lot, I like to get to know the people who read my blog :) I'm a comment whore too... I've been known to comment on my first visit to a blog.
I think the only hard and fast rule is to never, ever say in your comments, "Hey come read my website." Those people suck. I tend to undercomment and really have to make a point of saying something once in a while lest people think I've stopped reading them.
I leave comments all the time. In the right hands, they turn into running jokes and make blog reading even more fun. In the wrong hands ... well, you can strive for stealth irony, which is still very fun.
Last night my daughter and Mrs. Genuine had a moment alone with the computer. Yes she gets to use it too. Well let's just say the Avalance were playing. Genuine Baby was having a go at the Baby Olympics on the horse or rings, and was kicking and punching like Van Damme and an Ali and Frazier prize fight.
People with weak constitutions need not go beyond this point. Those more adventurous read on.
During the intermission between periods, I came into the study to find that my wife was explaining the current status of her pregnancy to the young one who was very infatuated with the whole process. They were looking at developement pictures here and my wife was explaining what stage baby brother was in. Needless to say, I did not bother to break in with a "Whatcha Doin"? I knew exactly that this was one of those moments where Daddy should simply exit the room and ask no questions.
During the next intermission, I again wanted to check the status of Pregnancy 101 going on in the study. I was met with pictures on the screen of a cross section of a 23 week pregnant woman. Maybe I could get back out of the room without ever being noticed.
"Daddy! Look at Mommy's tummy!" she shouted with a ghastly look of seeing fire for the first time.
"Yeah that's pretty cool huh?" was the best I could muster.
"Did you know that the baby comes out between your legs?" she said excitedly.
At this point my legs began to get weak and I shot a glance at Genuine Mom who shrugged and said "She asked, I told."
There was about five feet from me to the door. I looked over my shoulder like a prison inmate looking at the fence. I bet I could make a run for it.
"What's that?" Genuine Girl asked.
"Amniotic fluid" she declares matter of factly.
That did it. No more curiousity for me. I had to make a break for it. Before I was able to hear of vaginal discharge and such other atrocities. Genuine Boy came and punched me right in the stomach. Monster Chase was on! Whew?
"Mommy how does the baby stay in there the whole time without falling out?"
I didn't get far enough away without hearing the dreaded MUCOUS PLUG!
Oh yeah...I remember that some conversation when the oldest were 4 and 6. Yet again, I face those same questions with the twins. A recently walked up to a very pregnant teacher at their school and said, "did you know that baby has to come out your crotch?"
Yes Genuine Girl ... already wise beyond her years...will really be the wealth of information soon and THE questions will begin...such as HOW DO YOU MAKE A BABY MOMMY? HAHAHHAHA
Good luck Genuine!
comment by Milehighcyn at 07:43 PM on 03.13.04
What about the episiotomy? Now there is a fun topic!
Just wait until she blurts out the facts of life in her young private school class!!! That's a call from the principal waiting to happen!!!! (hee hee) I know becuase I had a similar discussion! It's fun!
comment by avrialeden at 08:42 PM on 03.14.04
Know what would be even better? Having your wife and her best friend be pregnant at the same time. Then you could be regaled with all of the gory details. Every. Single. Day. Now, doesn't that sound like fun?
My wife recently bought me some new clothes. I guess she figured the shirts I had been wearing for the last ten years needed upgrading. I was just getting them broke in too.
She also bought me the most wonderful pants. I call them my fat pants! Hey I'm 40, I'm allowed to have that little pooch or a bit of a shed for my tool. (Enter all other pooch belly jokes here.) The pants she bought are made by Haggar The site describes the pant as:
Comfort Fit - The must have innovation for fall '02 is Haggar Comfort Fit dress pant, with hidden extensions in the waistband. They're pants that move with you. Whether sitting, standing, bending or reaching, the fit stays true. These incredible pants are available in 11 wonderful colors, including, tans, blacks, blues, and browns
Comfort Fit=Fat Pants! "Pants that move with you". This translates to get as fat as you want and they still fit.
No longer do we have the need to unbutton that top button after eating a big meal. Sticking your hand down your pants like Al Bundy becomes easy with these pants.
I guess I could go on a diet, but what fun would that be? I like to be enabled by companies catering to the lazy. Isn't it great to have a wife that caters to your inadequacies? Besides, she always says she likes Fat Boys.
It finally happened I had to deal with my first psycho wacko. A guy who found my site with some weird freak ass word search in Google or some other search engine. Why do they let these guys have computers? I had pictures of my family on this site. Oh My God! I have pictures of my hottie wife on this site. Heaven knows what sick perverted things this guy or gal for that matter was doing. What lewd and lucivious acts were going on at my website?
Then I remembered something Joelle said on her site. I'll just block this sicko freak's IP address. Yeah, that will show him who's boss. I won't have to deal with this weird piece of garbage any longer. Off I go into my MT site. Of course is took me a while to figure out how to do this, I finally was able to get this guy sent into some cyber gulag for the rest of my life. Whew!
Now I know how Fred Flintstone felt when he was dropped on his ass and locked out his own house. It took me four hours to try to get back into my site. Turns out I am a sick freak!
Okay....None of this was true, but now you know how my mind works when I'm being attacked by the insomnia bug.
Okay there I was freaking out worried about Mrs. Genuine and you tell me it's a damn INSOMNIA DREAM............AARGHHHHHHHHHH
But, did you really find out how to block some freakazoid?
comment by Milehighcyn at 12:42 PM on 03.12.04
I'm beginning to wonder about the hottie wife, too. And is that even you in the picture? ;) Actually, I'm glad it was all a joke, stalkers make me wet my pants.
Now that Atypical Femalehas shown me the ins and outs of linking, I would like to take another moment to thank those in the blogosphere that have been so kind.
Lee was the first Blogger I came across and he wrote such great stuff, I knew I would be following his family like it was my own.
He led me to Amber. She was of course the one who set me up with IM and now my family and I actually talk to each other. With kids as beautiful as hers, she can't be all that bad.
Mindy writes like no other. She causes instant laughter, and has a great sense of humor for someone who works hard all day and then comes home to a tough job. Truly an inspiration.
TJ and Nicole are a great couple that get "it" when it comes to life. Thanks guys. They put up with comments and I don't get sent to my room.
Buzz is the man when it comes to humor. He has a way of making me giggle even when things are kicking my ass. Plus he has such a great blogroll, I'm thinking of making him my home page.
I have not begun to scratch the surface of the people that have touched me in the last month. Most of them are on my links, so please share their experiences as I have. These people have generously invited you all into their lives and I think they are true members of our everyday community. Standing O to all of you.
Finally, I have to thank Joelle. Without her help I could not have invited everyone into my insanity. So go blame her, or at least try to get Moxified.
Again, you are most welcome :) You would have figured it out on your own sooner or later. I'm not sure I quite believe the fax machine story. ;) Anytime you need a hand, just email me, I'll be glad to help if I can.
Awww, I forgot to thank you for saying such nice things! You all just THINK I'm being facetious... in truth, I hate my job, my family and my life. No, seriously.
Atypical Female gets my award for the day. She literally sent me a movie she made on how to link someone. She gets to be my first link. She has the cutest butt...I mean her hedgehog does! Whew!
Here I Come to Save the Day! Excerpt: Humorscope.com Superhero Identifier Found this through Gina, who helped Genuine find his ass with a flashlight learn how to link someone on his blog. Thanks, Gen! Great find! I am now auditioning for the part of Caruthers. [checks clipboard, looks... Weblog: The Mommy Blog Tracked: March 11, 2004 03:58 PM
Yesterday was a strange day that recently does not happen very much in the Genuine household. Uncontrolled bleeding from orifices of the body. In my case, from my nose. I live in Colorado, which is a very dry without much humidity. It began in the morning in the shower, and then continued into the afternoon at work. How does a guy act cool with a bloody rag hanging from his nose? The boss walked by and commented, “Its a tough place to work.” This happened to be the time he was handing out everyone’s raises for the year.
I was able to stop the bleeding without losing consciousness, and made it through dinner. Then it was monster chase time. I mentioned this before during “strategic tickling”. I’ll explain now. Monster chase is just how it sounds. The name of the game was brought about by my daughter.
“Daddy? Let’s play Monster Chase.”
“Monster chase?” I queried.
“Yeah, you know when you chase us around the house and yell really loud.” She described.
“Honey, isn’t that when daddy is handing out spankings?”
“Nooooo, you chase us around and tickle us and stuff”, she said with sort of a whine tone.
“I see”. Okay, Monster Chase it is.
My son is very athletic, and he is very good at the Monster Chase game. He can maneuver corners well and he is sometimes difficult to catch. My daughter on the other hand has difficulty walking through a door opening without hitting either doorjamb. I have to keep an eye on her. My son during the chase cannot control his giggling and usually ends up spitting up his red juice somewhere on the furniture or the beige carpet. This game requires variables, which tire both child and parent.
The game goes on until someone, usually Mommy, with either THE LIST, or Daddy declares a truce and time for getting ready for bed. “Lousy school nights, making us go to bed early”.
Tonight on the other hand, Daddy was jumping back into the “safe zone” recliner to watch some of the AVS game while the children regrouped and planned their next strategy of ambush. Monster was getting tired, and Mommy was giving the look. I was perusing the battlefield to find the high ground and my nose began to drip. Then gush uncontrollably. I bleed all over my Enron Field T-Shirt, which seemed somehow ironic. I quickly exited stage left to make my way to the bathroom. This was the worst of the bleeding today.
Bending over the toilet as I assessed my plans to keep from dripping blood on something that might get me on THE LIST, my daughter entered the bathroom.
“Daddy?” Suddenly she saw the blood dripping, and began to retch. Great, now I was bleeding and she was going to throw up. The boy had entered at this time and was still giggling about monster chase. He obviously thought this was part of the game. As I reached to help Genuine Girl from throwing up on the floor, or me, I dripped blood on the floor. Oh no! Its okay I thought, hardwood, no staining, no LIST.
“Daddy you goofy”, the boy shouts.
Genuine Girl, acting in the most drama queen fashion asks, “Daddy, are you going to die?”
Although I had my doubts, “No honey, I just have a bloody nose”.
“Does it hurt?”
“No honey just go back and watch the Avs with Mommy.”
Meanwhile, the boy is sitting, with his clothes on and I’m sure peeing right into his pull-up, on the potty chair in the bathroom. He keeps jabbing his sister in the stomach because he wants to get in as much playing time before the teeth brushing debacle begins. The girl is sort of crying and thinking that this is it for Daddy, beginning to wonder if daddy will go to heaven or if God’s coming to get him, will he finally get to talk to Great Grandpa? You know, typical 4-year-old concerns. Mommy is giving me the play by play of the Avs game and I am beginning to get a little weak from blood loss.
At that moment, amongst the chaos, I only have one brilliant thought. Mommy is pregnant. She doesn’t need those OB thingies. I wonder if those might fit in each nostril? Now that would be cool.
Genuinely Funny Excerpt: Genuine, who has posted here fairly frequently in comments, has started his own blog (linked from my blog roll, of course). Weblog: Why Your Wife Won't Have Sex With You Tracked: March 13, 2004 04:30 PM
Hmmm..gettting a visual on the OB thing. Have Photoshop. Have your picture a couple of entries ago...hmmm...
LMAO...Took me a few minutes to figure out what "the list" was, until I realized I have one too! Hint - try using a cool mist humidifier at night, just keep your bedroom door open.
Straight from a doctor: First aid for nosebleeds is to use decongestant nasal spray (Vicks, Afrin, or equivalent.) These sprays work so quickly because they immediately shrink the blood vessels in the nose. Of course, with the dry air, you'd want to be drinking a lot of water too!
We used them in the athletic medical kits at my high school. Many of the wrestlers got a cut up (not the original thickness mind you) tampon stuffed up their nose to stop bleeding during a match. Vasaline or a vasalene based ointment also works for nosebleeds and other cuts.
I'm going to the dentist today for a Spring Cleaning. I have a knack for determining the amount I will have to pay for my dental work. I find out how much he owes in taxes, and I can usually guess within a dime how much he intends to do to my grill. Last time he tried to sell me a $3000 mouthpiece I could get at the local sporting goods store for $9.99. He owed how much in taxes? Were you paying attention? For you younger ones wanting to be lawyers, this will be the toughest question on the LSAT.
If he has a clown fish in a tank, I am also going to do the honorable thing and flush the little fella.
*UPDATE* I forgot to factor in the "My daughter goes to Private School" bill. You guys like hockey players don't you? They don't have teeth. Honey its okay.........call the Avalanche. Why do I suddenly feel like Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man?
Blog it Forward Day Excerpt: All right! I can finally get back into Blog It Forward Day, and I do have someone to mention. It... Weblog: etherian's island Tracked: March 10, 2004 10:39 AM
I live in dire terror of The Dentist. However, I come with a built-in sort of alarm system that guarantees to warn him off when he gets a bit too zealous:
I have possibly the lowest gag reflex known to humankind. I will upchuck on Dr. Toothy at the very sight of an implement. This serves not only to make him much more delicate with his attentions, but also creates a air of "will she or won't she?" when he presents me with my bill.
I hope his love for his waiting room carpet is much deeper than his desire to pry extra ducats out of my pocket.
They are adorable aren't they!!! Look at those smiles. Let me tell you they melt my heart. Brag brag brag. If I had enough space I would again pull the auntie brag. I love you Beauty Purple Fluff! I love you Beastly Beast!
comment by avrialeden at 09:28 PM on 03.09.04
Talk about a genuine boy and genuine girl looking like genuine and geniune mom!!!!!!!
I remember this scene in particular!!!! HUM. Carlos and Charlies seems to ring a bell! Riding mopeds and horses is vague but I think it happened!. I also think this is one of your best pictures. Love you both.
comment by avrialeden at 09:24 PM on 03.09.04
I can tell it is before kids because you don't have bags under your eyes.
I also think you have it backwards... we weren't seen with drinks in our hands until AFTER we had kids. They drove us to drink. No, really. ;-)
I am an insomniac. Sleep is something enjoyed by everyone else. When I do get to have sleep, I am a very light sleeper. I hear a noise outside, I have to get up and investigate. Then spend a few more hours getting back to sleep.
Much to my chagrin, it was a night of no sleep. A night where my mind was running at full tilt and not running out of gas anytime soon. Finally, I drifted off into the soft light sleep I call dreamland. I was cozy, you know, that feeling of being in the womb again. My wife was behind me holding me. Life was great.
Suddenly, I felt movement. Like Vincent Gambini in My Cousin Vinny, I leapt from the bed and said “What the F*&K was that?” I wasn’t brandishing a firearm at the time or else I would have shot it into the dark of the night.
Something had crawled up my back! Was it a mouse, a rat, a gerbil? (No don’t leave comments about that urban legend). I approached the bed and gingerly pulled back the covers. What the hell was that? Nothing. I cold see no sign of any small creatures that might have made the hair on my neck stand up.
Whoa, that was weird.
My wife on the other hand is not such a light sleeper, and is fairly similar to those dolls that sleep, when you lay them horizontal their eyes go shut. As I was climbing back into bed, I noticed her laying there in a restful slumber. “Man, she just woke up 20 minutes ago to go pee. How can she be in REM sleep already?”
I looked down at her ever increasing belly.
There it was!!! A foot, or an elbow, a knee, or a hand. Something was pushing from the inside. Apparently my unborn son is not such a heavy sleeper as Mommy.
Okay, no more spooning for me. Then I was a bit pissed off. Why does this child already torture me? Perhaps a bit of a tickle war is in order!
it's the opposite in our house. my wife would be the one who'd have to fend off the burglar because i'd still be upstairs sound asleep while she beat his head in with the mag-lite.
The three year old has reached an age where whining is the only thing he has perfected. Daddy has reached his saturation point.
This morning, as every morning, I dress the Genuine Boy and take him downstairs to fix breakfast. He watches Moses (Prince of Egypt) for the 27th time in three days.
“Buddy what do you want for breakfast?” Knowing full well the answer before I ask it.
“Shaushage!!” comes the zombified reply, as he covers his eyes during the genocide scene. Why does he like this movie so much if it scares him to death?
“What else do you want besides sausage?”
“Shaushage!”
“I know that. Do you want some Pancakes?”
“No! Shaushage.”
“How about Tiger?” He has already developed the manly grunt language we men all perfect when watching TV. You must ask in terms of one or two syllables but not a string. He must be able to respond in like language.
“Noooooooooo!!” He screeches again in that high pitched hurt your teeth fillings whine.
“Sausage it is!” At this point I pick my battles, and this one I have lost before, on a number of occasions. Don’t go there today Daddy.
“Okay Buddy, here is your sausage”. I slipped half of Genuine Girl’s toast on to his plate. Big No No.
In an ear piercing scream, “Noooo! I don’t like it!”
“What Buddy?”
I want juice!” Clearly he had not seen the sneaky move of placing the toast next to the sausage. A coup worth bragging about. Battle won.
“No, drink your milk.” The whining begins as a slow drone but turns into the locomotive steam whistle combined with a cat scream combined with nails on the chalkboard. I hold my ground. “Drink your milk and then I’ll get you some juice.” Okay so my ground was crumbling around me.
“I don’t want it! I want juice!” The muscle that runs up my neck on the left side is beginning to cramp and my sleep deprivation has caused me to grit my teeth which set off the headache symptoms.
“Fine, juice it is”. Now the smart father that I have become knows not to ask what kind of juice to pour. Just pour the juice and curtail the argument further. New sippy cup now with juice is put before his majesty.
Another whine like steel rubbing against steel. “Noooo! I don’t like it?” Oh my God, Did he see the toast?
“What Buddy?”
“I want Tiger!” I turn to bare my teeth and try very hard not to make this kid a victim of shaken baby syndrome. Tough, I say, “Sausage is what you are going to have.”
“Kay”. That was it, I wore him down the battle was over and the whining and crying had stopped. About this time, Genuine Mom walks into the kitchen looking bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to start the day.
“I thought I told you last night that he was not drinking enough milk!” she scolded me with the look of disapproval. “Come on kiddo let’s drink some milk.”
The constant whining is the worst!!! My latest comeback for the 'I don't like that' whine is.... "You don't have to like it... You just have to eat it!!!" :D I am soooo mean!
But Genuine Daddy-----Genuine Mommy has THE LIST. REMEMBER? HAHAH Of course he's sucking up.
comment by Milehighcyn at 07:14 PM on 03.08.04
You just described nearly every morning in our house. Mady is really the queen of whining, but Jack is learning quick. When he doesn't want something, he crosses his arms high on his chest, turns his back to you, and says NO. Good luck to you!
Whining is an automatic "NO". It's the one button that has a do not pass go. It's a stop, halt, reasoning is gone. Although it's getting harder and harder to enforce with more children! Either that or I'm just getting old and worn down! They have me right where they want me!! Torture by whining!
I feel sometimes I was Rip Van Winkle, or I have been in a time warp. I am amazed by technology and the lack of my knowledge thereof. I was working at a private law firm in 1985, and I remember when they obtained their first fax machine. This was the coolest form of communication in the whole world!
“You mean you put the paper in here and it is transmitted to the other person somewhere else? Wow”. I thought that could only be done in places like Willy Wonka’s factory. You know the kid that was on TV? “What does the image look like at the other end” I asked in amazement.
The guy installing the machine said “Well pretty much like it did when it went in”.
“Exactly?” I asked.
“Yeah that is what it is designed to do” he smirked, and shook his head in wonderment of how a person like me could have passed the entrance exam for any job.
I’m sure that all of you IT people deal with me everyday in your offices.
“So why is my computer broken?” I scream.
“Sir that little button on the tower turns it on” IT person says with arrogant matter of fact tone.
Of course my response is, “Tower?” I immediately look up to see where the flippin tower might be and where the hell the button is I need to push.
“Yes sir, the tower”. Now the IT person gets an idea of my ignorance. “The little beige box thingy with all the wires coming out, do you see that? Push its belly button”. They say in a tone bordering on the acerbic.
“Thanks, I’ll let you know if I have any other problems”, I say with my head cowering.
This is typical of the problems I face each day at work. Usually when I am having problems, the IT person in our office is on vacation or at the office in another city. Only when things go wrong for me is there no known easy cure.
I ask myself, “Why would you ever start a hobby of doing a web site and blogging?” Well I get to write about how stupid I am when it comes to these newfangled writing machines. By the way, newfangled is spelled correctly, “I ran a spell check”. See I know the lingo with the best of you.
I guess when technology is brought up, I just behave like a deer in headlights. I hear of the new P900 or the latest photo phone, the K65, the flux capacitor, or the latest software update, and you might as well be giving me directions to defuse a nuclear weapon in Chinese. I don’t get it. When the telephone rings answer it, the car turns on, drive it. I am very simple minded in this arena.
Today I added a site meter to Genuine. This should be a fairly easy and quick step. Thank the Lord, I was not working by the hour. All that is required is cut and paste. The directions said just that. It does come with the disclaimer: “You need to know basic HTML”.
HTML? This is some kind of flu virus isn’t it? They are getting that from cats who eat chicken who have had sex with parrots in Canada right? Why the heck would I want that? So I look up HTML for Morons in the search engine.
Lo and behold, there is a picture of me. Right on the front page of the website of HTML for Morons. Pasted there like a common criminal.
Lee over at "Oh No The Blog" (still learning that linky thingy) was very helpful and patient with my questions. He walked me through step by step. Whe did this on IM. I only have IM because AmberBamberBoo (again the linky thingy)installed it from half way around the world.
“Okay cut and paste to note pad”, he said.
“Note pad?” You people really need to start speaking a language I recognize. How does my note pad get into the machine? This just keeps getting more difficult.
You might as well explain it to me like the Peanuts school teacher. "Mah mah mah mah mah mah". I still wouldn't get it! My husband starts speaking that lingo and I just nod my head and listen and may be occasionally laugh. Yah you Hubby. I don't understand half the stuff you say! I'm with you Genuine. I'm TC. (technology challenged!)
comment by avrialeden at 08:26 PM on 03.07.04
Yeah but Genuine----could those cyber geniuses be as witty as you? They can find the wires...but you can wire the mind with wit.
SO TO THEM I SAY -- SO THERE!!
(from your fairly challenged cyber friend too)
comment by Milehighcyn at 08:53 PM on 03.07.04
Have you found the cool drink holder that goes in and out of your computer? You'll have to take the disk thingy out of it, but it works great. It's usually right by it's belly botton.
I was up half the night trying to do the “stupid bird picture” below and I had a couple of tumblers of the purple bag recipe. At 6:30 a.m. I was in no mood to play “monster chase” (I’ll explain some other time).
The ankle biters were in full swing during my moment of weakness and they were being relentless. The nice peace and quiet I experienced before kids was to be no more. It was time for a preemptive strike. War had been declared.
There are certain advantages to having the upper hand when having tickle fights. The following are some recommendations to gain superiority.
Always attack from higher ground. This allows you to not have a foot a head or an elbow crack you in the nose causing you to cry like a little girl that lost her Barbie.
Always keep a hand on one child while tickling the other. This allows you to keep tickling while prohibiting a sneak attack from behind or an ambush that might cause a nose cracking as above.
Never tickle one child longer than that child’s bladder can handle. Mommy gets really pissed about that laundry thing. Washing sheets for the third time this week is an act that puts you on THE LIST. Believe me the list is not where you need to be.
Always tickle one child until the other begins to get jealous of the other. This creates an environment of maximum ticklage. Of course in my case, this pause between tickling is only a few seconds. One child always feels like the other is getting more tickled than the other. “Me turn Daddy….Me Turn”.
Then there is the child that acts as director. "Daddy, you are the Dragon, I’m the Princess and he’s the Prince.” “Dragon’s don’t tickle”, I said. “Just PRETEND”, she says. “Okay I’m a Tickling Dragon”. This creates a curve for which I must watch closely. Changing rules during the war can get out of control if not restricted early. The Geneva Convetion of tickling does not allow the type of war to change into anything nearing a Tea Party.
Always have an ally-- in my case pillows. One can always use a good pillow wacking. This is done while a child is recovering from a near bladder gushing experience. Of course, the war turns into a different battle at this point. Suddenly, you must beat back the resistance of the now recovered child who has now armed himself with a large stockpile of pillow weapons. Of course, this creates the “Hey he has more pillows than me” tirade. This is countered by veering the challenger off the argument by more and intense tickling.
When the war is over, the war is over. Go straight to Versailles and sign the treaty. No more tickling or pillow wacking shall be tolerated.
Signs that the war is OVER.
Any child crying. War over.
Mommy getting out THE LIST. War over.
Any destruction of said pillows. War Over.
Daddy not following rule where nose gets cracked. War over.
Immediate surrender is accomplished when Daddy gets wacked in the Frank and Beans. Game Over, Daddy cries. Daddy calls for immediate Time Out. No Do Overs. No Rule Changes. Do not pass GO. The Tickle Dragon has left the building. Time for Breakfast.
I used to read books, books and more books. During an especially bad time where my insomnia was at its worst, I read 750 books in 2 years. I bought paperbacks like some people buy breath mints. At the checkout counter at the grocery store, I would reach for some mints, and also the latest on the bestseller rack.
I read LaCarre, Cussler and Clancy, and I was diverse when reading Jean Auel and some classics like Dickens, London, and Tolstoy. I loved the books about other places and exciting adventures. I even read books on self help, history, and yes even the bible more than once.
I recently read a very good story and I read it from cover to cover before going to bed. It had a great plot good characterization and a great grasp of American Literature. It was suspenseful, humorous and gripping to the end. I certainly give it two thumbs up.
I want all of you to at least read this one classic if nothing else this year. It can be read to yourself or out loud among people. It will definitely put a good feeling in your heart. I won’t give away too much of the twists and turns the author leads you through, but suffice it to say, “If you give a mouse a cookie, chances are he may want another”. Maybe I will give my review of the next suspenseful thriller, “If you give a Pig a Pancake”.
You are just the best writer. What are you doing
at GDB???
comment by Judy Crier at 10:24 AM on 03.05.04
Ah yes...but until you read "Everyone Poops" by Taro Gomi..you haven't truly lived.
comment by MileHighCyn at 10:47 AM on 03.05.04
AH Just wait until you hit Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys!!!! Now there's some classic reading there!!!
comment by avrialeden at 09:06 PM on 03.05.04
I used to read Hemingway and Hawthorn. Now I read Captain Underpants and Clifford the Big Red Dog Goes to the Circus. Not sure which have the better plot and moral, though. ;-)
I follow a plan each morning when I take a shower. Start at the top and work my way to the bottom. Never do I return to an upper spot after a lower spot. The last thing I do is wash the Frank and Beans. No way would I wash the naughty bits and then wash my face! Of course this does make me quite the hypocrite.
EWW!!! IMAGE BLOCKER NEEDS TO BE INSTALLED NOW! EDIT EDIT! You should have ratings like NR - for not for relatives to see or something like that!! Just kidding!
comment by avrialeden at 10:17 PM on 03.05.04
I am still dying!!! Love that Frank and Beans...I'll never look at wienies in the same light ever again.
Before Kids/After Kids Better known as Misery Loves Company
Before kids, we would go to every movie and see the premier in full screen with all the sound and experience of the theater.
After kids, we wait until half the population of the planet has seen it and explained all of the good parts. Our last movie in the theater was “Armageddon”. Yeah, I know it came out last century. Although the only consolation is, I knew the boat sank, I knew the Japanese invaded, and I’m pretty sure Jesus dies on the cross.
Before kids we went out to eat at trendy places and expensive steakhouses.
After kids, going out to eat means fast food (we are giving out happy meal prizes for Christmas next year) at the kitchen table or pizza from the parlor down the street. Like a cat running to eat when the can opener comes on, my son still cries out “Pizza!!!” in a Pavlovian sort of exclamation when the doorbell rings.
Before kids we spent our money however we saw fit. We were carefree and cavalier with our funds. Lavish vacations, expensive dinners and all the toys a guy could ask for. Let’s buy it!
After kids we are so broke we can’t even pay attention. We have a new currency it’s called “Diapers”. Right now the exchange rate is not looking good, but we are stock piling for the summer baby. We intend to flood the market.
Before kids we drank for fun, to be social and to experience the finer things in life. Heck have another round, I can afford it, and we can sleep until late in the morning!
After kids we drink for the medication. Oh yeah, and my son gets up to watch the Wiggles at the crack of WTF!
Before kids we hated our jobs and hated to go to work
After kids, we see it as our safe zone the place where Peace meets Quiet. Monday is truly our favorite day. Work is now a time for meditation in preparation for the madness after 5:00 p.m.
Before kids we were never sick, had no reason to go to the hospital and rarely saw our doctor.
After kids we have funded a wing at our Pediatrician’s office, have put his children through college, and our immune system cannot keep up with the biological warfare that has been waged upon us by anyone under the age of 6. WMD’s? Heck, they are all over my house!
<a href="http://tj.hanton.net" target="genuinelink">tj</a> ... that's all the html you need to know ;-)
well, ok ... i guess you could substitute any website between the quotes after href and then whatever you want the link to say in place of tj ... if you really wanted to.
During a debate with my 4 year old daughter tonight, a ritual during dinner on most nights, she told me she knew more about the bible than I did. The gauntlet had been thrown. The gloves were off. I should have turned the other cheek.
"Why", I asked?
"Cause you don't know very much cause you're only 10", a dig at being a leap year baby.
Two can play that game. "I know more than a 4 year old because 10 is bigger than 4". The wheels begin to turn as she considers deflecting the math argument because she is not as versed in this area. Little does she know that daddy was not sure of the bold statement either.
"Well, Jesus doesn't like it when you're mean to me". Something I'm sure she learned at school. The "being mean" card.
The 3 year old is stuffing as much macaroni and cheese he can possibly put in a 3 year old mouth and sitting there in judgment. Mommy has bitten through the bottom lip and is trying not to blow milk through her nose.
"I'll take that up with Jesus the next time I'm talking to him," I quickly rebutted.
She makes me talk to him constantly, and my son thinks his name is Jesus. I always ask my son "Jesus! What are you doing?" He usually responds, "Fine".
"Oh yeah? But I know his number and I'll call him if you're not nice to me", she said without missing a beat. Suddenly, I remembered Santa Claus and the famous "if your not nice, I'll call him" coup. I am now looking at my butt in case there are bite marks. The prosecution rested.
I had lost, she had beaten me again with my own words and logical argument. Snickering at me over the corn dog stick in her hand, like the devil incarnate.
Even the 3 year old laughed and said "Daddy you silwy!".
I did what any other self respecting father would do, "Just eat your dinner or your going for a timeout". Pull rank.
We have started the legal education fund for my daughter, you are welcome to contribute.
Would I make that check payable to Stanford or Oxford University? Hey, while you're at it...could you send her to the office for awhile?
comment by Milehighcyn at 08:33 PM on 03.02.04
I get to brag as the auntie. That is my niece he's talking about!!!! She's every bit of smart as she is cute! (I just had to brag a little bit and claim her!) LOVE YOU PURPLE BUTTERFLY!
same goes for my 2 year old son ... sometimes he's a complete monster who listens to nothing, then all of a sudden he'll be perfectly behaved and even use manners!
Some time ago a friend and I began a conversation regarding the Vanity Plates and what our ultimate Vanity Plate would be. A Vanity Plate that describes you to a person on the street. They would look at that word on the back of your car and they would know that person. What would best describe you as a person? I was not sure. The one word that would best describe me as a human being?
It had to be seven letters or less. “INFLDER” I said. No that described the position I liked to play, but being an infielder should not be my legacy. How would I leave this world? Would I leave as a white heterosexual male with a few kids and a wife who loved him? What best describes this. “How about Normal”, I asked. Sure it was six letters which would fit, but is this the word that best describes me? Certainly, I have never been accused of being “Normal”. “How would you like to be seen by others?” she asked. How about “Nice Guy” I said. This might be somewhat true, but I have been known to be a real horses ass in the past. This was going to be hard, if not downright impossible.
"I am a Christian" I said. Too many letters and though it does describe me as a person, it is not all encompassing, hence the horses ass notation above.
"How about Athlete?" I queried. "Well", she said, "you are not getting any younger and pretty soon the wheels fall off." This may have been something in the past, but today it carries sort of a snicker with the label.
Out came the Thesaurus and the Dictionary. A few minutes of pondering and she came up with the word. “You’re Genuine” she said. “I’m what?” I asked. I have never heard of such a description, nor had anyone said I was, so we looked at the definition.
Genuine (j n y - n) 1. Actually possessing the alleged or apparent attributes or character: genuine leather. 2. Not spurious or counterfeit; authentic. 3.a honestly felt or experienced: genuine devotion. b. Actual; real: a genuine dilemma. 4. Free from hypocrisy or dishonesty; sincere. 5. Being of pure or original stock.
I’m not sure that this best describes me as a person, but if a friend can label another friend, I would be honored to carry this mark like a Scarlet Letter. What you see is what you get.
What is your Vanity Plate? Could you describe yourself in seven letters or less? Send me your word.
actually i have always said that when i become old and senile, that i will buy a beater car and smash into peoples cars with vanity license plates...they cant arrest me because im old and senile...see how that works...
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When I'm angry and feeling sorry for myself, just color me Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.