Many times in my life I have been shown humility. Many times I have fought that demon that causes my ego to get ahead of me and many times that has been a harbinger of doom. When i try to control my life it usually has a bad outcome. If i think I’m in control it is a good sign I’m not. I have recently attended a therapy session, (yes even superheroes need to get their head on straight) that allowed me a moment to see into my own head. My head is a lot like a circus right now.
Once you get passed the carnival rides, the clowns jumping out of the tiny car and roller coaster and tilt-a-whirl, there is a humble man. The man is watching the excitement around him. He takes it all in as if to say he has seen it a thousand times. When I reached him he smiled and welcomed me to sit with him and watch a while. He would point out some of the more exciting things, like daredevils on motorcycles, fire breathing exhibitions and other things, but my focus kept turning to him.
There were lots of children running around screaming and giggling and shouting to each other. They would run from ride to ride, booth to booth. They had cotton candy and hot dogs, and chocolate. They had soft drinks and licorice and all of them were in a land of make believe but soaking it in, enjoying in their mind the feeling of what heaven must be like. Suddenly, they all came to a stop and went and sat in front of the man. he talked about how much fun they were having and asked each questions about their experience and listened to each as if they had the secret to life. He rose to speak and all were intently ready for him to tell us all about how this world works. He rose, smiled told every one to enjoy the show and walked away. He was sad in a way and looked as if he was not long for this world. He disappeared into the crowd and then faded away. I want to find him but the children began running around again. He vanished without a trace. He left in my heart a moment of peace. One that made me realize that life is so much richer if you take a moment to sit and watch it. Not wanting to make ti happen in your time or your spirit but just to sit and watch as life unfolds.
Suddenly I hear the man across from me tell me in my therapy session.
“God will reveal what God wants to heal.”
This was a moment of true clarity for me. I remember driving home and thinking of the man sitting in the carnival. Is it too much to presume that God was sitting next to me watching life? I’m not sure, but I know now that I need to sit and watch life a little while and enjoy the gifts of that life a little more. That was taught to me by a humble man that loved to be a part of life.
[photo courtesy of meagan]
Late night television gives me plenty of opportunities to create some blog fodder here. The quiet, the darkness and the loneliness and overall sensory deprivation is a canvas that is always begging to be filled with light and color and a message. I recently watched a movie where a loved on was lost, and it made me think immediately of my own loved ones. It made me think that every second is precious as those seconds can easily be snatched from you never to have an opportunity to get them back. No matter how much you shout at the wall and shake your fist at the sky, those moments are gone. No way to buy them back or to negotiate for another try or a do over.
Without being too morbid, I wanted to give you the exercise that went through my mind. Imagine if you will that you went to work or went to the store or were just out of the home for something as small as borrowing a cup of sugar from the neighbor. Now think for just a second that your spouse, your children or any other significant other was taken in that split second you were gone. Think back on the last moment you spent with that person. Your daughter, your son, your husband or wife, who was one moment near you and perhaps they were folding laundry or reading a book, and when you returned nothingness. Now think for a moment if you could have a granted wish to spend the last 2 minutes of their existence in your life. Just two precious minutes to have a moment and for eternity they would then be gone. What would you do? What would you say? Those 120 seconds that would have to last you a lifetime is all you have starting now.
Okay time is up. How did you spend your moment? How do you feel now that they are gone? I mean FOREVER gone. Did you have that time to express your feelings? Did you get across that message of love? It has to last you forever so did you register that in your mind that feeling you took away from that experience? Not everyone has to go through that hell and obviously until it actually happens you really have no idea the pain, despair and sorrow that blackens your soul and tears a hole in your heart and hardens all your organs sucking the life from them.
Each time you leave your home or see your kids off to school or say “see ya later” to that spouse, that could become a reality to you. Now I want you to take that exercise and capture that feeling so that every time you see them go to the mall with their friends, watch your spouse head out for that day at work or that business trip, I want you to do that very exercise in your head and then give them that time of love. You can never really tell when your loved one will be snatched away by fate. Make sure their last moment with you is always the best for you and for them. Hug a family member today, squeeze them just a moment to squeeze tighter and look into their eyes and tell them you love them.
I was reading through a book today and came across a something that made me stop, think, feel saddened and then burst into tears and cry. It was a profound statement that only until recently I would have had the same reaction. I have been thinking a good number of days now about my past. What have I done in the past and what choices did I make in the past and past this and past that, until I could not see anything accept for the PAST! The quote from the book went something like:
I cannot go back and make a brand new start. I can start from now and make a brand new end.
I still get my hair standing up on my arm when i think about the meaning of that statement. We have all made mistakes in the past that we would like to go back and change. make it as if they had never happened. With a time machine this may be possible, but as yet they have not come up with a device that would allow me to do that and I don’t think I’ll be around long enough to see that a reality. So I have to go forward instead of going back. I can always travel forward. This is always a possibility.
I also think that we are given the ability to learn from past mistakes. We don’t always learn them on the first try but sometimes a second and third and yes it can go on depending on the learning curve. I would like to think that every bad choice and every misstep I have made in this world has brought me better understanding. It has brought me to a point of wisdom. From the time we are children we store this information in our memory and it helps us “get it.” There are a lot of things I now get, and some that I keep learning. It makes me grow. It allows me not to start an old beginning but perhaps a new end.